By Destiny Givens
Far North Queensland has been cast in a pall of doom and disappointment this morning as locals wake to the news that Ben Dunk has again been snubbed at the Allan Border Medal. Dunk failed to receive a single award, despite being the odds-on favourite in all categories on the BetTolga wagering app.
President of the Tolga Termites cricket club, Bert Young was gutted. “I blew a ‘pineapple’ on the ‘Innisfail Show’,” he said. Young backed calls for Allan Border to remove himself from any association with the award. “Absolutely, “ Young said. “Captain Grumpy should absolutely pull the pin. It’s really affected his reputation. Let Yallop take it on.”
Dunk was not immediately available for comment. His agent, Duncan Gunn, said that he expected that Dunk would not “emerge” today. “We’re really disappointed that Dunky didn’t pick up one of the technical awards. His work with Silky was classic,” said Gunn.
Gunn was referring to Dunk’s one-sided war of words with Jordan ‘Horse’ Silk, which has captivated the tropical north. Dunk’s AB Award entries in the Original Sledge (“Siiiilllk! Nottt!”), Sledge Adaptation (“Looks like you spent it eating oats”) and Tweet (“You can’t make a horse’s pussy out of Silk’s purse”) categories were widely regarded as classics in the genre.
The other big controversy on the night was the award of Best Tweet to Steve Waugh, who is not an active player. The organisers have said that they want to “expand the scope” of their social media presence. Traditionalists were not happy. Mr Young described this decision as “fucked in the head.”
Full list of awardees:
AB Medal: David Warner
Belinda Clark Award: Meg Lanning
Test Player of the Year: Mitchell Starc
One Day Player of the Year: David Warner
Twenty20 Player of the Year: Shane Watson
Men’s Domestic Player of the Year: Cameron White
Female Domestic Player of the Year: Meg Lanning
Best Original Sledge: Mitchell Johnson about Chris Lynn “Fuck off Bendydick McCullumsMyBitch”
Best Sledge Adaptation: Brad Hogg (spoken to Cameron White about Jordan Silk) “Hey Whitey, that’s my horse”
Best Tweet: Steve Waugh to Shane Warne: “Hey Shane, you could wipe the surprise off your face with some new foundation”