By Allan Povah
Trinity Beach identity and self-described croc-wrangler Red Robbins (below) has made some explosive allegations about the sighting of a two-metre crocodile today at Trinity Beach. The animal was seen swimming between the stinger nets and the southern end of the beach, a spot popular for paddling and rock-skimming.
As Chief Crocodile Consultant for the northern beaches, Robbins was alerted by lifesavers but by the time he had responded to the emergency call, the croc had left the vicinity. “I had a big feed of Indian last night at Maharaja’s,” Robbins explained. “So a short response time just wasn’t possible.”
Following a forensic analysis of the conditions, Robbins made his allegations to the Plain Dealer. “The current is all wrong for a croc at Trinity today. The wind is a nor-nor-easter, so the fuckers are hardly going to come out of Thomatis and come around the point in those conditions,” he said.
When pressed about the implications of his conclusion, Robbins didn’t mince his words. “I think those dickheads at WBU have been doing a bit of field work with their croco-droid. Nothing simpler than releasing it for a quick swim at the southern end and collect it again up at Taylor’s Point. If a couple of ching-chong-chinamen just off the plane from Shenzhen happen to spot it they’re not going to know the difference, are they?”
William Bligh University have embarked on an ambitious project to construct a “ultra-precise crocogynous automaton” also known as a croco-droid. There have been some unsettling events over the course of their research, including an attack on a student earlier this week. In another incident, the robot attempted to mate with the wheel of a VW Amarok during an unauthorised excursion onto the Cook highway.
Robbins was previously an advisor with the croco-droid project but parted ways with the WBU team when he made claims to the media that the aims of the project had been lost in “a morass of self-interest and academic snobbery.” “They’re made the fucker too fucking smart,” Robbins said.
WBU officials were unavailable for comment.