James Mathison looks sideways to a better future

By Destiny Givens

A new revolutionary surgical procedure has been developed by the Spinal Unit at Cairns Base Hospital. The ‘Complete Neck Augmentation’ procedure gives the chance of a normal life to the 1.5% of the population who have been born with no neck or who have contracted Neck Reduction Syndrome. It is expected to be a boon to retiring Rugby players and security workers.

English test cricketer, Gladstone Small, is rumored to be on his way to Cairns to undergo the surgery, but the first recipient of a new neck will be celebrity-talker James Mathison. Mathison has been unable to turn his head since he contracted NRS during the first season of Australian Idol. His good friend, celebrity-talker Osher Günsberg (aka Osher, Andrew G, Andrew Günsberg, the one with the chin, the one with the neck), has agreed to donate the necessary bone and cartilage.

Orthopedic Surgeon, Doctor Andrew Gillies has said that it was a perfect match. “Osher’s got a fucking big chin,” Dr Gillies said. “He was looking at mandible reduction surgery anyway before the whole thing completely fucking collapses under its own weight. We’ll actually have a surfeit of bone after the Mathison procedure so we’re looking at using it to fashion some nasal bones for a few of the poor nostrilly challenged patients on the transplant list. This procedure will help save the lives of six or seven cocaine-addled MMA fighters. Great outcome.”

Mathison and Günsberg arrived at Cairns airport this morning and are expected to go under the knife on Monday. Doctors expect the procedure to be completed in time for Happy Hour at the Railway Hotel.

Published by murraymurchison

Editor in Chief at the Trinity Beach Plain Dealer

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