Badenhoorst propounds theory on Dunk-Boof falling out

By Paolo Zupp

Hezzie ‘No Balls’ Badenhoorst (above), the TBPD’s insider in the murky world of professional cricket, has propounded a theory as to why Ben ‘The Innisfail Show’ Dunk has not been picked in the touring party to India. Badenhoorst, now retired in Mossman, has had many roles within the game of cricket, most recently as General Manager of the Hyderabad Sunrisers and Spot-Betting Analyst at Ladbrokes Punjab. As a player he is most famous for opening the batting for Orange Free State in the infamous 1991 ‘Boxless’ Currie Cup series, in which the batsmen protested the looming end of apartheid by refusing to wear any kind of personal protection.

Dunk has been out of favour with the selectors ever since North Queensland seceded from Australia in 2014. Although, the Rod Laver Accord effectively allows for North Queensland athletes to compete in Australian cricket teams and domestic leagues, selectors have been reluctant to pick talent from the far north. This is despite Dunk’s jaw-droppingly good stats in the BBL, IPL and Tully Long Handle league.

‘No Balls’ has long contended that there was a personal enmity between Dunk and coach Lehmann, and that this was rooted in a failed business venture involving a hair restoration and libido maintenance product.

“Dunk and Boof gave some equity capital to a Pakistani chemist who had developed the ‘Saturnine Bad Boy Scalp Rub and Follicle Rejuvenator,’ explained Badenhoorst. “Initially, they were making a killing, and picking up a unexpected root or two, when the chemist suddenly ran off to the Rogaine people and left Ben and Boof with a worthless patent and an accelerated moult. It’s the only explanation for all the bad blood. Ben still had a stash of the gear, but Boof was a pink kookaburra in a matter of days. Let me tell you, that’s gonna cause some ill-will.”

The recent uneven performance of the Australian cricket team has lead to howls of disapproval from the Far North, and the snubbing of Dunk at the recent AB Medal awards was hugely controversial north of the Tropic of Capricorn.

As the Baggy-Greens prepare to face the toughest challenge of all in the dark subcontinent, Badenhoorstis adamant that Dunk needs to be there. “The iShow is a great player of spin, and has got steel intestines, unlike that joker Renshaw. And he’s a great team man – the life of the party. It’s what you need when you’re in a shithole like Pune or Bangalore, playing on shit strips, eating shit food, dealing with shit, shitting yourself and just feeling like shit. You need a guy who can do a few magic tricks, and who always loses at cards and wet towel competitions. It’s all about morale.”

The first test starts today. Dunk remains padded up and ready to go at his home in Kurrimine Beach. Darren Lehmann has declined to comment.

Published by murraymurchison

Editor in Chief at the Trinity Beach Plain Dealer

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