City Council goes the biff

By Murray Murchison

There were chaotic scenes at Cairns Council chambers today as Councillors and staffers reacted adversely to  what they view as an increasingly erratic policy agenda being pushed by Mayor Bob Manning.

The trouble began in the monthly meeting of the Cultural Services Committee, in which a motion was passed to require all Council meetings be conducted in Spanish. This follows previous committee decisions decreeing that all primary school children will be issued with a Council funded sombrero and that Edmonton would be renamed ‘Baja Roca Blanca’.

A scuffle broke out among several attendees (pictured  above, photo courtesy Councillor O’Halloran). Witnesses report that during the melee, several punches were laid and blouses torn. Meanwhile, Councillor Olds repeatedly jangled the official bronze meeting bell to try to call the meeting to order, whilst Councillors Schilling and James hid under a desk.

According to acting General Manager for Crocodiles, Felix Lobegeier, Mayor Bob Manning was not present when the fracas began. “Bob was out draining the big lizard at the time,” reported Lobegeier. “But when he came back the head honcho took charge as always. Natural leader. He stood on the table, took off his sombrero and yelled “Dejar de estúpidos fuckers. Es casi la hora de la torta. Oldsy, deja esa puta campana solo! Bobo! They all quietened down after that.”

Councillors Schilling and Richardson were treated at the scene for minor injuries. The General Manager for Waste and Water, Mike Poll, was taken to hospital with liver inflammation.

There has been considerable unrest in the corridors of power over the possibility of a malevolent Mexican influence affecting decisions in the policy and catering areas. Councillor Cooper has alleged that there is a foreign mole operating within the chambers. “We need to find out who is ordering the Pastel de Tres Leches and who are the men without faces wearing the big hats,” declared Cooper outside the Chambers this afternoon.

Following the afternoon tea recess, Mr Manning spoke briefly to the media. He scoffed at the suggestions of any foreign influence within his team and laughed off the earlier fisticuffs. “It’s nothing, but a but of rough and tumble,” he said, before he finished the press conference with a prepared statement.

“We, as your elected representatives, are passionate about their responsibilities. This isn’t fucking Townsville. There’s not one of my people that wouldn’t lay a coward punch or go the squirrel grip if it helps to keep this city in tropical greatness. Because, ladies and gentlemen, this is the city between rainforest and reef. It is a shining beacon of the north. We have grasped the nettle of greatness with both hands. Other look on us with envy and would conspire to bring us down. But greatness is where we belong and where we shall stay. Gracias.”

The Council meets again next week to discuss zoning changes and proposed street-sign relabelling.

Published by murraymurchison

Editor in Chief at the Trinity Beach Plain Dealer

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