February 2017 Classifieds

Looking For Love

Superintendent of Passion looking for IC5 Female in mid-twenties for false-arrest roleplay and outings, maybe more. Send picture of drivers licence and phone number to rr@police.gov.nq.

Perky nursing Student, 21, looking for flabby diabetic man with high pain threshold, for wine, dance and injection practice. Must have own insulin. 0016625751.

Thrice heartbroken banshee who hates sunsets and walking along the beach looking for lifeworn doormat of a man for revenge extraction. 0015666787.

Senior legislator in search of civic-minded latino sweetheart for talking the language of love, pies, and secret rooting. Call BM on 0011345650 after 6pm. Ask for ‘Honcho’.

Personal Services

Wealthy elderly lady seeks young girl to help with letter writing and jam making in Bayview Heights. Must use correct grammar and have no opinions. Present yourself at 34 Jacaranda Close at 10am sharp on Wednesday. Expect no bequests.

Hi! I’m Alex and am writing a thesis on plagiarism. Need someone to rent me some Nickleback CDs. Purchase not an option. Anything Oasis would be good too. Full attribution. @alexinthemiddle.

Happy-go-lucky vertically challenged man looking for volunteer assistant pleasure extractor. Not fussy. BYO kneepads. @shortyfunfun

For Sale

Stuffed platypus. $120. Fully certificated. De-spurred but doesn’t float. Contact Alan in Earlville. @platypushunter

Full Game Of Thrones season 8 rushes. Contains timing track and director commentary. $240 per stream. $80 for nude scenes only (spoiler: nothing from Daenerys sorry). Contact Smithfield Streamers through website.

ATM Skimmers. Will suit Cashpoint and Bendigo outlets. $1000. Profit-share and/or franchise available No time wasters. @atmskimmers.

Keef: Current prices $80 an eighth. $25 a stick. Double for Nicaraguan Black. Ask about Biboohra Bhang and Skywalker OG Kush. Frosty: $100 a teener. Contact Jane or Kurt, normally hanging around the skateboard park at Atherton.

Classifieds are published monthly. Maximum 50 words. Email to tbpd@iinetnet.au

Published by murraymurchison

Editor in Chief at the Trinity Beach Plain Dealer

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