By Kimberley Schloss
A joint press conference was held at 1300SMILES Stadium today to formally open ‘Cowboys House’, a four hundred million dollar residential, gaming and dog-racing development.
The Cowboys, NRL, North Queensland Government, and Australian Government have jointly funded the ambitious project. Constructed in the shape of a prostate spheroid, the 122 room complex features 12 media rooms, a recording studio and a panic room.
“They’ve gone all out with the place,” enthused player spokesman, Matt Scott. “Some of the molls are a bit disappointed in the number of beauty-booths there are, and we’re obviously going to have an MKR-Biggest Loser clash on some nights with only one IMAX. But overall it’s pretty fucking awesome. The trough-lollies are shaped like footballs.”
It is intended that Cowboys House will serve as a refuge for players and ancillary staff from the glare of the media spotlight. It will be a welcome relief for the players who must deal with the constant demands of the fans.
“It’s going to be a welcome change, and it’s come so quickly. The boys are all scratching around for bond money,” explained Scott. “And we’re still working out a roster for the lawn-mowing, or ‘dog-shit duty’ as we call it. Around the back they’ve put up a fucking massive kennel (pictured below) with twelve sniffer-dogs patrolling on a 24 hour roster. We’ve got a Bark-buster Two Thousand mounted along the back fence so that keeps the fuckers quiet, but they do tend to shit everywhere. We’re all using a catcher to minimise the spatter.”
Scott went on to say that overall they were pleased to have the sniffer-dogs on site. “Everyone loves a beagle,” he said. “Cute little funny fuckers. And Ethan’s well equipped with counter-measures. He’s a professional.”
Several suites in Cowboys House have been set aside for the use of the rugby league ‘Immortals’ should they visit Townsville. “It’s a gesture of respect,” explained Chef de Mission Bob Bliss. “The great ones all get access at any time. Except Joey of course. He’ll fucking sleep anywhere and Townsville Airport have usually got something set up for him. Doesn’t need a bed. Besides, he wouldn’t get past the beagles.”
Following their amazing golden-point win from a set-piece against Canberra last weekend, the Cowboys are ready to smash the lackluster Broncos tomorrow night. Coach Paul Green has announced that the strategy will be unchanged from their previous encounters. In addition to the standing instruction of “chuck it to JT”, players have been instructed to “kick it to Hunt.”
Most of the team will move in during the next week, but Jonathan Thurston will have to wait until the elaborate throne room has been completed.