Malanda TAFE hopin’ for business

By Allan Povah

The Malanda TAFE has announced that it is reopening next week and a whole new range of certificate and diploma courses are being offered for the second trimester of 2017.

The new courses have been generated based on a social media analysis of modern lifestyle and workplace trends. In addition to the existing 174 courses, the following additions are now available:

  • Certificate I, II, III and IV in Workplace Equity
  • Certificate I, II and III in Chocolate
  • Certificate I and III in Sub-Atomic Particles
  • Certificate 0 and I in Occupational Heath and Safety for Midgets
  • Certificate II in Post-Flushing
  • Certificate I in Termite Mound Decoration
  • Certificate I,II and IV in German Walls
  • Diploma in Aztec Studies
  • Diploma in Cocktails
  • Diploma in Facebook
  • Diploma in Ironing
  • Diploma in Irony.

Ivy Yeung, 23, of Ravenshoe (pictured above), told the Plain Dealer that she was very excited by the new offerings. “I’ve done my cert four in chemistry,” she said. “So I’d really like a crack at the cocktails one, and I’d like to get my boyfriend Petey to brush up on his post-flush, ha ha.”

The Malanda TAFE has struggled recently with reducing enrollments arising from an enforced closure over the wet season. The TAFE has decided to expand its offerings to offer more boutique courses.

Acting Vice Chancellor Professor Jillian Jones explained how the shifting sands of the tableland’s social and geological bedrock has affected the institution’s strategy.

“The foundations for the brand new Power Tool and Glue-Gun Faculty buildings (pictured below) were designed by students of our Cert IV in Construction as part of their thesis,” lamented Professor Jones. “That turned out to be bit of a goof. The kids got a conceded pass but now the whole fucking lot is sinking into obscurity and we can’t offer any of our courses in the Renovation Arts. We had to shut down while we got in some German guys from Wandmacher Und Brecher Berlin and they confirmed our suspicions that the whole thing was a complete fuck-up. We’re looking at some non-Newtonian options. And we’ve invited Adolf and Bastien back to deliver some coursework next trimester.”

Professor Jones explained that the affected building will be cordoned off until a final decision can be made about its future. One possibility is that it may be used as a laboratory for postgraduate courses in Parkour Studies.

The professor went on to express pride over successes enjoyed by recent graduates of the Malanda TAFE. “We had a young Hijabi win the Mareeba choc gong,” Jones said. “Lots of our graduates are working on the Sarina Wall. And a couple of girls from Yungaburra are really going places in the ‘Rise-up North Queensland’ organisation. Great to see.”

You can enrol at the Malanda TAFE online or by calling the enrolments office and talking to a friendly advisor.

Published by murraymurchison

Editor in Chief at the Trinity Beach Plain Dealer

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