By Destiny Givens
Crisis talks were held today at Cowboys House to discuss the deplorable performance against the LottoLand Sea Eagles last night.
The session was organised and chaired by club legend Brent Tate. Having been on agistment last week at The Smiles while the Cowboys trained around him, Tate detected some misalignment in the team dynamic. In Tate’s view, these issues were critical to the team’s loss on Saturday Night and he was quick to express this opinion to the coach.
Player spokesman, Kane Linnet, explains: “Tatey fuckin’ trotted over to Greeny after the fuckin’ game, and fuckin’ mentioned that he wouldn’t fuckin’ mind going over a few technical fuckin’ things he had fuckin’ spotted,” related Linnet. “Greeny fuckin’ decided that Tatey and I should fuckin’ get together at the fuckin’ CowHouse, strap a fuckin’ feedbag on and fuckin’ discuss. Greeny couldn’t make it because he was doin’ his usual Sunday face-whitening therapy at fuckin’ Beauty on Stanley. I had to take notes and bring a fuckin’ curry comb.”
As this was the first formal use of the new BetTolga Room, a state-of-the-art conference, drinking and strip-club facility in the east-wing of the CowHouse, club boss Greg Tonner and BetTolga CEO Brendan Parnell attended the meeting as official observers. They were not disappointed.
“Tatey initially comes across as a bit of a long-faced dopey prick,” said Parnell. “But, his insight into the game is unbelievable. His analysis on Kalyn Ponga’s compulsive jinking problem and the JT-Ponga headgear confusion was pinpoint. We’ll be working on some exotic options on the tote next week, don’t you worry.”
Tonner was also quietly impressed. “Most of those ex-player pundits hang around, hopped up on the frosty, and the further they are away from the game the better they were,” he said. “Fuck me, look at Joey Johns and that fuckwit Braithan Aster. OK, I agree, on the odd occasion, Tatey can also produce some significant quantities of unsolicited horseshit. I saw that today. We’ve all seen it at The Smiles every time he galloped down the sideline. Mount Smart still stinks. But most of the time he is crapping diamonds and at least he acknowledges he was a very, very ordinary player, even on his best day.”
Linnet will attend a meeting with the coaching group this week, where Tate’s offerings will be pulled apart and analysed. But Linnet is already convinced that the key to victory has been found. “The boys are on top of the world. Go Tatey! Cow! Boys! Back-to-back, brother! We’ll destroy them fuckin’ Titans,” he crowed. “Fuckin’ dum-dums.”
The Cowboys play the atrocious Gold Coast Titans at CBus on Saturday night.