April 2017 Classifieds

Looking For Love Are you looking for love? Come along to the Freshwater Swingers open night at the Edge Hill Tavern . Wear a white daisy and BYO prophylactics. We are an equal-opportunity fuck-fest organisation. @fresh_swingers Wanted Redlynch entrepreneur looking for young supple women with venture-capital experience, preferably of Russian or Scandinavian extraction, to create working business modelContinue reading “April 2017 Classifieds”

Keith rocks the Railway

By Shirley Higgins-Croft Logan city superstar, Keith Urban, rocked the Railway Hotel last night on his Don’t Look So Surprised world tour in front of a crowd of eighty-one fans. The evening began with two support acts that were received warmly by the crowd. Kuranda artist, Dayne Guzman Caine, performed cuts from his Grammy nominated album CrocdilesContinue reading “Keith rocks the Railway”

Bunnings wins at the FWC, kranskis are ‘just’ the beginning

By Paolo Zupp The North Queensland Fair Work Commission have handed down their decision on the matter of Bunnings Warehouse Pty Ltd vs Far North Queensland Hardware Workers Union. The two parties had previously agreed on a 5% pay rise and limiting sausage sizzles to weekends and school holidays. This latest dispute has concerned the inclusionContinue reading “Bunnings wins at the FWC, kranskis are ‘just’ the beginning”

Tribulation crashes on lack of endeavour

By Kimberley Schloss The one-man musical, Tribulation, has closed after a single part-performance at the Rondo Theatre last night. The much anticipated production which was written, directed and performed by healthcare-worker and fashion blogger Jamie Tingley of Brinsmead, aimed to tell the true story of closet homosexual, tap-dancer and purveyor of cos-play, Captain James Cook. After aContinue reading “Tribulation crashes on lack of endeavour”

Skippy Huegill to back-channel on behalf of Trump

By Allan Povah from Pyongyang Former Ambassador to North Korea, Sir Skippy Huegill, has been rushed to Seoul to meet with US and Chinese officials to nut out a plan for dealing with the threat of North Korea’s nuclear ambitions. Previously, during his time in Pyongyang, Huegill had developed a close relationship with maverick North KoreanContinue reading “Skippy Huegill to back-channel on behalf of Trump”

Dutton turns to Leviticus for social policy direction

By Murray Murchison Australian Minister for Immigration, Peter Dutton, has announced the appointment of his new staff-member, Leviticus, who will be taking on the challenging role of Dutton’s house-dog and speech-checker. Leviticus, is by Moses and out of Delilah and is the result of a unusual political connection The story goes like this: On an unspecifiedContinue reading “Dutton turns to Leviticus for social policy direction”

Man attacks croc, could get twenty years

By Allan Povah A man, who police say was “operating in a solo snorkelling activity” off Watson Creek Inlet on Lizard Island (above), has been remanded into custody for allegedly attacking a crocodile with his head. According to onlookers, the man “repeatedly head-butted the animal” who appeared “traumatised and upset by the incident” and “inconveniencedContinue reading “Man attacks croc, could get twenty years”

North Queensland defeat Islamic State in Lawn Bowls final

By Paolo Zupp The North Queensland under-twelve lawn bowls team has prevailed against Islamic State in a thrilling final in Killeagh, Ireland to win the prestigious World Cup in Lawn Bowls. Coach of the Under 12 NQ Monarchs, Rob Parella, was visibly proud of his team who, after earlier surviving a tense extra-end playoff with Tunisia, wentContinue reading “North Queensland defeat Islamic State in Lawn Bowls final”

Beattie suffers a royal case of over-hilarity

By Murray Murchison Acting Prime Minister, Peter Beattie, has defended what some have called a classic case of ‘over-hilarity’ at a comment made by Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II. Mr Beattie was meeting with the Queen at Windsor Castle to discuss reef bleaching and corgis when the incident occurred. Her Majesty reportedly made an oblique referenceContinue reading “Beattie suffers a royal case of over-hilarity”

Robertson and Sorbo to team up for film

By Kimberley Schloss Christians in the Far North are abuzz with the prospect of a cinematic collaboration between plain-talking evangelist Pat Robertson and superstar actor, Kevin Sorbo. The two giants of down-home commonsensicality are in talks to produce a modern day celluloid parable aimed at drawing attention to the insidious march of evil forces inContinue reading “Robertson and Sorbo to team up for film”