Dutton turns to Leviticus for social policy direction

By Murray Murchison

Australian Minister for Immigration, Peter Dutton, has announced the appointment of his new staff-member, Leviticus, who will be taking on the challenging role of Dutton’s house-dog and speech-checker.

Leviticus, is by Moses and out of Delilah and is the result of a unusual political connection The story goes like this: On an unspecified date in February, Australian Minister for Fixing, Christopher Pyne, had brought his Labrador, Moses, to Canberra and obtained lodgings for the animal at the Parliament House Cattery. During an extended sitting session, and as a result of a dog-flap security breech that remains under investigation, Moses was able to exit his studio apartment and range freely through the facility for some seven hours.

The results of Moses’ nocturnal rampage are still being placed under the microscope. So far his efforts have resulted in as many as six alleged impregnations, two allegations of cat-abuse and a cleanup bill topping one-million dollars.

When contacted by the Plain Dealer, the CEO of the Parliament House Cattery, Madge Doig, was guarded in her comments. “There’s not much I can say because the matter is still being looked at by investigators,” she said from her office in Tuggeranong. “But what everyone agrees on is that Moses is a shitter par excellence. We had to part the brown sea just to enter the premises.”

The fallout from the incident has been far-reaching. Senator Jackie Lambie’s pet snake, Micah, remains missing. Meanwhile, Senator Michaelia Cash is taking a leave of absence from her duties as Minister for Employment and Women, to care for her cat, Henrietta.

“Hen is suffering a itty-bitty-bit of PDSD,” explained Ms Cash. “She’s not that fussed with doggie-woggies at the best of times, and she hasn’t reacted well to this silliness. I’ve had to go down the mindfulness path with her. It’s a 24/7 deal. I’ve handed off my ministerial duties to Derryn and NickX.”

But there has been a silver lining to the affair. Tony Burke’s Labrador-cross bitch, Delilah, has whelped a litter of puppies that will be distributed to members on both sides of the political divide in an attempt to draw the two sides nearer. Mr Dutton was quick to take up the opportunity to add some talent to his team.

“To be honest, I always saw Burke as a lefty no-hoper incapable of making any useful contribution,” said Mr Dutton from his home in Albany Creek. “But his gesture in providing me with Leviticus is a fine one. He will be a big-L labrador and a valued member of my Family-First family. Leviticus has already given me some top ideas on how we might employ burning and wild beasts to clear up some social issues in this country.”

Mr Dutton has indicated that negotiations on parental support costs for the raising and education of Leviticus were ongoing. In an interview with GQ Magazine, Mr Pyne has described the fallout from the cattery rampage as “on the nose” and demanded that Moses receive the benefit of due process under the law. Pyne has ruled out allowing a DNA test to prove or disprove any culpability. Moses was unavailable for comment.

Published by murraymurchison

Editor in Chief at the Trinity Beach Plain Dealer

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