Never smile at a hijabi: Rob the Croc stares down Islamism

By Allan Povah

Central Queensland celebrity croc, ‘Rob the Croc’ (pictured above) has taken up a career development opportunity in a water leisure park in Turkey. It is unclear as to what transfer fee was involved in prising the venerable reptile from his tenured position at the Koorana Crocodile Farm in Rockhampton, but it is thought to be in excess of one million Turkish kuruş.

Chief Crocodile Consultant for the Northern Beaches, Red Robbins, was part of the advance team to train Turkish operatives on the proper management of Rob and his fifty year old partner, Mrs Rob.

“To be truthful, those Turks didn’t seem too interested in croc SOPs and maul-management strategies,” Red explained. “We went through escape-paths, chicken deployment and effective tormenting. They weren’t interested. The silly bastards kept wanting to know if I wanted to buy a fucking carpet. Obviously that’s not an option as I’m flying back carry-on-only with Peach Air.”

Concerns have emerged from several quarters over the welfare of the celebrity couple under the auspices of an increasingly fundamentalist Turkish government. Cairns Pro-Mexican-Anti-Islamist group Tequila Not Taqiyya (TNT) have been particularly scathing over the decision to send the iconic crocs to within the sphere of influence of the Islamic State.

Secretary-General of TNT, Peter Eltringham, spoke to the Plain Dealer this morning: “I have real concerns over the way Erdoğan is systematically turning Turkey into a theocracy. His treatment of journalists, academics and moderate reptilians is shocking. The fact is, those two defenceless crocs have been sold into oppression, and the Commission should hang their heads in shame.”

Senior Detective Julian Ritchard, acting Executive Secretary of the Crocodile Commission, scoffed at the concerns. “Rob is a pretty cool customer,” he said, “But he’s not going to put up with any of that Islamist bullshit. And Mrs Rob is a bit of a bitch. She’ll bite someone’s arm off before she wears a hijab.”

In a related development, BLT Travel on the Cook Highway at North Cairns have announced package tours to Turkey starting in July. The package will include visits to Gallipoli, Ephesus, and the Ankara Büyük Kahrolası Kertenkele water park. Prices start at $4,000 per person, and include flights, accommodation, transfers and burkinis. The Midnight Express Experience tours are also still available. Sounds like a deal!

Disclaimer: BLT Travel is a sponsor of the Trinity Beach Plain Dealer.

Published by murraymurchison

Editor in Chief at the Trinity Beach Plain Dealer

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: