By Destiny Givens
A dengue fever scare has ripped through Cowboys headquarters, with pundits suggesting that the illness might be to blame for the disappointing loss this week against the druggish Sharks.
Matt Scott, who is on long-service leave this season, has recently returned from a visit to Mexico for cosmetic surgery. Since his return. he has reportedly been suffering from “multiplying chills, weariness and neck-splints.”
According to Cowboys insiders, club physician, Doctor Neville Browne, attended Scott in his suite at the CowHouse and, urgently sought assistance from experts in infectious medicine.
Dr Browne enlisted the help of Cairns Base Hospital Fellow in Infectious Diseases, Professor Trevor Quinn. Prof Quinn, the inventor of anti-malarial drug Quinine, was seen by Plain Dealer reporters to have allegedly entered Cowboys House this morning carrying a small leather bag and wearing what appeared to be a bee-keepers mask.
Some time later the same reporters observed Quinn allegedly leaving the CowHouse, accompanied by a portly, barrel-chested, limping person, wearing a hazmat suit and having a disproportionately large head.
It is not known what happened to the bee-mask.
Late this afternoon, Chef-de-Mission at 1300Smiles Stadium, Doug Bliss, fronted a packed media room at the CowHouse. He announced that Scott had indeed been hospitalised and had tested negative for dengue, malaria and scabies. The latest diagnosis is that Scott has contracted a moderate vase of “homo influenza” and he is expected to be released tomorrow.
Bliss went on to allay any fears of a Cowboy epidemic. “We will leave no submarine unsubmerged in ensuring the well-being of our people,” he said. “We have taken blood-work taken for testing all players for the full suite of diseases,” he announced. “Except for Ethan Lowe who was unable to be located. Be assured that drug-addled pretend premiers and cheaty referees will not stop us. The boys will be ready to smash the shitful Titans in a fortnight.”
Matt Scott remains in a stable condition. Subject to a return to health, he intends to undergo the Complete Neck Augmentation procedure at the Cairns Base Hospital at the end of the season.