May 2017 Classifieds

Looking For Love

To the petite blonde cutie at the Kurban concert. You look like Luna Lovegood and you are casting spells on my heart. Want to listen to Charlie Rich under a harvest moon sipping Jack? @kiwiShyBoyRubin

To the Blue-Haired One-Eyed Girl on the Alliance de Francais poster. I love you. You are perfect. Is your name Augustine ou Nathalie? Cast away your reserve and give me un petite chance. Je suis un annq coq, sexy sang froid ou sang chaud. Comme ci comme fuck. Meet me at the Tanks Friday 8pm. Wear a beret. Mwah!

Are you a Christian lady who wants to know about the delightful experiences that our Lord has designed for you? Want a new direction? Eg: the banana is a beautiful design. Notched and curved, perfectly shaped for lovely consumption. Easy to open and biodegradable. Tasty and nutritious. Contact me for spiritual guidance in the fruits of Jesus. Or just fucking if you prefer. @atheistsnightmare

I am a gorgeous woman. But I am a shamelessly faithless harpy with one eye on the door and another on you wallet. I will betray and humiliate you, and ruin your orgasm. I can not be redeemed. I will not be your life-partner beyond the ridiculously short time it takes your undermanned equipment to submit to my ministrations. I will allow you to look at my chest under an agreed franchise arrangement. @tinyspurts


Wanted: Any original LP record covers by Scandal feat Patti Smyth. Will pay top dollar for pristine pics, scratches on record OK. @ethanschmacko

Redlynch entrepreneur looking for partners in a topless Korean Barbeque restaurant start-up. Have suppliers for beef, onions, soya beans and shoe-racks. Need some Korean babes (not ugly), preferably with food service chops. Also need chefs with BBQ experience and restaurant. @Tristan_makes_bucks

Wanted: Highly subscribed YouTube channel looking for Steve Jacobs and Grant Denyer lookalikes for competitive retro-pisstake meteorological japes. Must know an isobar from a trough and be able to take a punch. No glass jaws. Cash-only job. Email:  fb: @livioregano

Rambutans are wanted for medicinal/addiction purposes. Will accept hard ones. Forget what I said about addiction. I’m cool. Whatever. Rambutans or not, we can just hang. Especially if you’ve got some rambutans. @tropfruity

For Sale

For sale: Two slightly cracked Bark-Buster 2000 “Cainine Whisper” units. Clean of fingerprints. Make me an offer.

From Me to You

To the attendant and/or poop-collector of the black Labrador-cross which has not been trained to understand ‘fuck-off’ and which deliberately shitted in the sand near me on Saturday morning in the on-leash area of Trinity Beach, I have before and after photographs for your next slide night with your dog-loving nutjob mates. The dog is unharmed and will be released once trained. Do not contact the DDDCH.


Gifted former 1300Smiles dental hygienist prepared to provide full oral service for cash-money or discount frosty. Not proud but still have a steady hand. @sans_labcoat

Classifieds are published monthly. Maximum 50 words. Email to

Published by murraymurchison

Editor in Chief at the Trinity Beach Plain Dealer

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