June 2017 Classifieds

Looking For Love

Semi-dedicated jihadist looking for sympathetic but modest woman for pre-virgin practice, short-term opportunity pre-boom. Hijabi preferred or Swedish. @moBoom 

To the skate-babe wearing rags who boarded past the Dumpling Studio on Sheridan on Sunday evening. You’re cool and super-hot. Meet me at the TB skate park any arvo. I’ll show you my tricks. @skategodkirby 

Slightly fun university academic with interests in reptile science and the Internet of Things looking for bookish but lubricious woman for literature surveys and walking along the beach. No self-identified bogans. Must have tenure. @stonethemain.

Wanted

Pulitzer Prize and/or Oscar statuette wanted for lie mitigation and/or deal-sealing with nosy, observant prospective girlfriend. No fakes. @karlstef.

Wanted: Pigeon backpacks for medical transfer purposes. Must be grey and ejectable. @wolfknee

Kelsey Grammer lookalike wanted for Andre Rieu parody skit. Good money. Violin owner/operators favourably considered. @pisstaker

To any down-and-out ex rugby league footballer who played rep or above in the backline. Limb donation wanted for rental purposes for six months, possibly more. Top dollar paid and all medicals covered. Filipino nurse supplied for daily duties. No cockroaches. @cowb_commissar

For Sale

Council tax records and official emails. POA. Shoddy encryption only. Steve. @steveknowspc

Keef: Current prices $85 an eighth. $28 a stick. Havana Green on special. Ask about Biboohra Bhang and Skywalker OG Kush. Frosty: $100 a teener. Eccies at $4 per. Contact Kurt, at the skateboard park at Atherton. Jane’ll be at TB road on Wednesdays and Amcal Chemist Campus shops on pension days. No Gap. Franchise opps avbl – pharmacists welcome.

One slightly-used grade-6 Mother of Good Council sombrero. Neck toggle still tight. $15 or will swap for Edge Hill State School uniform. @dannyfinch

Announcements

Want to try the Atkins Diet? The CSIRO? Paleo? 5/2? Mediterranean?  Yellow? Binge-vom? Vom-vom? South-Beach? Santa Clarita? Counter-Vegan? Cabbage-soup? Breatharian?  – I am a highly experienced diet compliance mentor. Choose your diet, targets, mode and level of down-side torture. Success guaranteed. @TheDietMentor.

Podiatry Department at William Bligh University looking for volunteers with fungal nail infection for double blind trial. Some pain, but all covered on Medicare. No gap. Call Judy on 40421872.

Re-joyce! Thanks to Leopold and all the Bloomsday folks on the Espy for making it another great enactment this year. Loved the butterflies!! Yes to say yes my mountain flower!

From Me to You

Hey, Shy Rubin, if you are who I think you are, a word to the wise: rubbing your erection up against a lady’s leg during the encore of ‘Days Go By’ is no way to get a root. Try getting some breath-freshener and a moko. PS, I look like JHawk not Luna fucking Lovegood. Loser.

To the two young entrepreneurs that have been hanging around the Amcal Chemist at Campus Shops sharking my customers. I’m the BJJ Black Belt in the white tunic that you ran away from like little pussies. Come back and I’ll smash you. Promise. @brendixsen

To the attendant and/or poop-collector of the Labrador-cross which has not been trained to understand ‘fuck-off’ and which deliberately shitted in the sand near me on Saturday morning in the on-leash area of Trinity Beach, I have before and after photographs of his performance for your next slide night with your dogshit-loving nutjob mates. The animal is unharmed and will be released once trained. Do not contact the DDDCH.

Classifieds are published monthly. Maximum 50 words. Email to tbpd@iinetnet.au

Published by murraymurchison

Editor in Chief at the Trinity Beach Plain Dealer

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