July 2017 Classifieds

Looking For Love

I’m an ENTP stockbroker guy, 35, who likes self-analysis, rr and shaming. Looking for a 25-32 ISTJ woman, self-assured and super-hot, for infatuation, contentment, confusion, boredom, resentment and estrangement. @jmbojones

Hufflepuff landscape gardener, muscly (but a bit stringy), looking for outdoorsy Ravenclaw woman to commune with nature and make magic. Rambling, trekking, kayaking, hiking, camping and/or fucking. Or not. Up to you. @huffy_stanley

Cheap and craven geek type looking for chick with lowish standards to share GoT season 7 experience. Maybe more. Looking for away game as can’t afford Foxtel. @tyrion_rulez


WBU Masters Student in Podiatry looking for toes with severe fungal nail infection to practice in jabbing, prodding and scouring. Very low prices. @thefootapprentice

Body-double models wanted for Grey Lagoon filming. Must be comfortable with open leg FF. No hairy muffs. Would suit ScarJo or SelGo types (negotiations ongoing). Possible Hemsworth connection. @mangelsproduction

Wanted: Fijian $7 notes. Will swap for sarongs, copy-jerseys or fool’s gold. @bula

Looking for an experienced pet cemetery worker. Must be used to working with VIP clients and dogshit. Minimum wage. No caninonecrophiliacs. @yapsHQ

For Sale

2011 Liverpool FC Jersey. Long Sleeves. Gerrard branded but no G. $25. Will swap for Rambutans or iPhone charger. @thepoolman


Genuin Fijian Noni juice available from native specialist brewer. Will swap for Deutz or VC. BYO filter. @losalini

Brinsmead Flat-Earth Society looking for like-minded alt-science buffs to discuss conspiracies and fake news. Next meeting on Earl Hill, Trinity Beach on Saturday at 3pm, followed by drinks and afterwards at the Tavern. BYO theodolite. Robert@brinsmeadflatearthers.com.au

To the Yorkeys King of the Knob, you are super hot. I want to get to know you in a warm bed sometime. Arrest me, I’ve been a bad girl. @woman_in_tent_with_dogs

Cairns Curlew Appreciation Society announces its AGM and Spotting event to be conducted in the rooftop carpark at Cairns Central on (cheep!) Tuesday 8th August at 7pm. (note some particularly plaintive cur-hens spotted there lately). RSVP @cairns_curlews_tweep

From Me to You

To the JHawk wannabe who was at the Kurban concert and who my new boyfriend Rubin brushed aside with his massive cock on his way over to dance with me. We’re very happy thanks. Many fabulous roots. You’re the loser. Love, Luna. BTW, you look more like Sam Armytage ate Sam Armytage.

Classifieds are published monthly. Maximum 50 words. Email to tbpd@iinetnet.au

Published by murraymurchison

Editor in Chief at the Trinity Beach Plain Dealer

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: