Police puzzled by pooped pigeons

By Allan Povah

Wildlife carers and pigeon fanciers in the capital have become increasingly concerned about the number of pigeons that have recently been found either dead or nearly-dead from apparent over-exertion.

So far there have been thirteen affected birds found in the greater Townsville area, and autopsy reports, whilst unable to determine a specific cause of death, have indicated that the pigeons have variously suffered from “excessive fluttering, acute flap hyper-extension and catastrophic wing separation.”

The matter is now being investigated by Townsville police, who have formed a special task force, Operation Tippi Hedren, to tackle the issue. Senior Sergeant Matilda Ritter, who is heading the investigation spoke to a packed press conference today.

“We are looking at all possible precursors to these tragedies,” Senior Sergeant Ritter said. “No coop will be left unshaken. No feathers will be left unplucked. Climate change is almost certainly a causative factor. And deforestation. And strength of character is probably an issue as well. These birds are lazy as fuck and absolutely will shit anywhere. It is not an unusual sight to see pigeons along the esplanade simply sitting there and waiting on the world to change.”

Police have urged anyone with any information pertaining to any pigeon malfeasance to contact Crimestoppers.

Published by murraymurchison

Editor in Chief at the Trinity Beach Plain Dealer

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