By Allan Povah
The BBC has reported that addiction to pigeon racing is causing widespread marital problems and a plummeting birthrate on the island of Java in Indonesia.
According to the BBC coverage, Javanese men are becoming obsessed with their feathery charges, to the almost complete exclusion of their financial and marital obligations.
Dr Vishwa Djoyosuroto, Grand Imam at the Kota Baru Parahyangan Mosque in East Java was contacted by the Plain Dealer for comment. “Obviously, the Qu’ran has some peaceful and positive things to say about pigeons, and birds in general,” Dr Djoyosuroto explained . “This might explain the attraction. One only has to look at the Hadith for guidance on the issue. Consider the beautiful animals that emerge from an egg. Thus I definitively condemn these stoning incidents.”
Dr Djoyosuroto is referring to the actions of love-starved women who gather in their dozens outside race checking stages and rookeries and hurl rocks at alighting pigeons. It is a phenomenon that is on the rise, and one that has authorities struggling for answers.
“Obviously, we don’t want to take the stones away from the people,” explained Brigadeer Pulukadang of the Tangerang Police Department. “Stoning is a completely appropriate form of expression, and often the best way to make a point, apart from a good lashing of course. So it is a delicate issue. We are considering targeting the pigeon fanciers directly, with scripture and stones as required.”
According to research undertaken by the Jakarta Post, the average pigeon fancier is college-educated, affluent and has a below-average libido. Academics have concluded that they are seeking some kind of personal and spiritual actualisation in the rather moribund and disease-prone confines of the pigeon coop.
Dr Wael Sulieman, of the William Bligh University Department of Taquiyya, disagrees and has asserted that the problem is rather more carnal and twittery.
“These guys are complete losers,” tweeted Dr Sulieman. “Sad fucks playing with their tiny peckers. It is the wives I feel sorry for. Clearly those ladies cannot compete with the feathery touch of a sweet wing-job. Stone them all I say.”
President of the North Queensland Pigeon Fanciers Association, Jonas Humberstone, was unavailable for comment due to “bristle-rash and feather-scratch issues.”