August 2017 Classifieds

Looking For Love

Passionate gay lefty woman looking for huffy, easily-offended like-minded woman for cause identification, handle-flying, do-gooding, placard painting and rally attending. No DiFranco fans. @shayblue.


Wanted: Blackboard Artist for northern beaches eatery. No innuendo. $30 a pop and a slice of Portofino. @lunicos

Published Yungaburra impersonator/writer/proctologist looking for middle-aged men to talk about their first prostate examination for upcoming coffee-table book. @left-right-done

Recently divorced forty-five year-old woman looking for geekish type to explain how to set up Tinder. Payment in kind. Teenagers only. No furries. @cougartime.

NQ film production company looking for unmarried Sikh gentlemen for refractory testing. Turbans OK. 0455657654.

Wanted: Used pregnancy test kit (positive) for boyfriend commitment management purposes. @jodielovesdane

Wanted: Chicken nuggets, pref lukewarm for delivery to Smithfield location. Top dollar. Expect payment in bitcoin.@chris_croc_esquire.

For Sale

Organically grown oranges for sale. Your master will love them and your mistress will love you for them. Price negotiable. @offred.

For sale: Unique artworks designed and produced by conscious crocodilian methods. Will swap for bandwidth or chicken sweetmeats. @chris_croc_esquire


The first annual North Queensland Pigeon Racing and Husband Swap Championship will take place in the first week of October at Yorkey’s Knob. Hijabis welcome. @nqprhsc

From Me to You

Hey Luna, you skinny ice-whore bitch’s bitch. I took a survey. Rubin rubbed his cock against every girl on the ponderosa and found one desperate enough to bend over. Spoiler alert: that’s you, bitch. Look behind you and squint your eyes and…look…you’re being fucked by a gorilla. Look ahead and…wait…aaarrrgh…a mirror…is that an ugly mole being fucked by a gorilla? Fuck yeah! Hey Luna, PS, I think Samytage is super hot, bitch. Zingah!

Personal Services

Experienced merkin couturier visiting Cairns for formal season. Fittings for bespoke items available at our salon in Abbot Street in September only. Limited places available. Contact us at: @muffmagnet or

Classifieds are published monthly. Maximum 50 words. Email to

Published by murraymurchison

Editor in Chief at the Trinity Beach Plain Dealer

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