September 2017 Classifieds

Looking For Love C++ specialist looking for nested sexual iterated routines. Intimate polymorphism and inheritibility would be an advantage. No Python or Java nuts. @jeremy_writes_code Wanted Kim Jon Un lookalike/impersonators wanted for fake-porno poltical-zoo themed shoot. Must be comfortable with orange baboons, brown bears and pandas rockets. @pisstaker Normalish looking LBTQI people wanted for positiveContinue reading “September 2017 Classifieds”

“No” campaigner apologises for fallacies

By Shirley Higgins-Croft Prominent marriage equality “no” campaigner, Joshua Cooke, 29, of City View (above) has withdrawn comments he made on the CrocFM morning show this week about the marriage equality debate. During an hilarious call-in, Mr Cooke allegedly traded quips with the morning crew, Dazza and Hinki, over the topic of marriage equality. MrContinue reading ““No” campaigner apologises for fallacies”

Polygamy dating site to be launched in North Queensland

By Heather Luck AyoPoligami, the Indonesian dating App for polygamists is set to be launched in North Queensland in November. Demographers have reported that the use of AyoPoligami has been hugely popular in areas of West Java and Banten where dating and marriage norms have been shaken up by a range of cultural and religiousContinue reading “Polygamy dating site to be launched in North Queensland”

Jacques Coffee to partner with Alpecin

By Paolo Zupp Tablelands coffee titan, Jacques coffee plantation, have announced a partnership with German hair-care behemoth, Alpecin Keine Kahlheit GmbH, to produce and market a range of new and revolutionary men’s shampoo products. Alpecin brand ambassador, Coen Hess, took time out from his preparations for the NRL grand final to say a few wordsContinue reading “Jacques Coffee to partner with Alpecin”

Taylor slides sideways to sport

By Shirley Higgins-Croft Management at Win News has confirmed that veteran newscaster and champion rope-man, Paul Taylor, has been reassigned from his longtime role as anchorman for the network’s main evening bulletin. Taylor is a doyen of the profession, and won a record five consecutive North Queensland Newscasters Awards for “Best Squint” in addition toContinue reading “Taylor slides sideways to sport”

Bus chaos at Trinity Beach

By Murray Murchison There was mayhem at Trinity Beach yesterday as poor scheduling combined with the start of the school holidays led to an unprecedented three vehicles in the bus depot slipway (pictured above). The trouble began when a Down-Under Tours coach was sandwiched by the two contra-direction Triple-One services, and was exacerbated by theContinue reading “Bus chaos at Trinity Beach”

CL to headline the CUF?

By Shirley Higgins-Croft Korean superstar, CL (above), formerly of K-pop super-group, 2NE1, and onetime girlfriend of Sir Geoff Huegill is reportedly in negotiations to headline the Cairns Ukelele festival. CL, whose last outing was a Grammy-award winning track on The Little Pony soundtrack, is hugely popular in North Queensland, and securing her services would beContinue reading “CL to headline the CUF?”

Crocodile art to sell at auction

By Allan Povah William Bligh University academics have denied that there is any issue with their security measures after it was revealed that their artificial crocogynous automaton, Christopher, had been selling artwork and purchasing adult services on the internet. The breach was only discovered when an unmarried Filipino lady was caught trying to enter theContinue reading “Crocodile art to sell at auction”

Cairns puts on World Championship Sausage Sizzle

By Kimberley Schloss At the UCI Mountain Bike World Championships at Smithfield this weekend, North Queensland has put in a gold medal performance in the Sausage Sizzle division (above), providing sausage (and onion) in bread, supplied by Sausage King at Trinity Beach, for a record-breaking A$2.50 (US$2.20). This betters the previous mark set in 2016Continue reading “Cairns puts on World Championship Sausage Sizzle”

Trinity Beach is brown

By Murray Murchison From the top of Earl Hill to the tip of Taylor’s point, the trees, leaves and nature-strips of normally verdant Trinity Beach are looking brown indeed. “Yep, she’s pretty fuckin’ brown,” opined local resident, Neville Fitzhardinge of Cayley Court. “Hasn’t been this brown since this time last year. But the wet isContinue reading “Trinity Beach is brown”