By Allan Povah
A new William Bligh University study has shown that the consumption of sugar can have several positive effects, especially in the short term.
In an interview with the Plain Dealer, author of the study, Dr Kellyanne Brody from the College of Healthcare Services, explained the scope and implications of the findings.
“We found that an extreme level of sugar intake can lead to better performance in athletic activity, and longer and more satisfying erections,” explained Dr Brody. “And when you add mozzarella, it’s almost a premiership winning formula. And leads to some sweet celebrations.”
The North Queensland Cowboys were participants in the study, which took place over the 2017 season. Kane Linnett, the bulletheaded centre-threequarter Scotsman, was named as a co-author on the paper.
“Lowey, Jakey, Cootey, Coops and Bolts were all involved,” explained Linnett. “But they obviously didn’t get an authorship because they know fuck-all about Naive Bayes and multivariate analysis.’
Linnett was instrumental in both the design of the methodology and the analysis of the data.
“Basically, we’d load up on Red Bull or Coke and pizza before each game and data was collected on missed tackles and bedroom outcomes. It was all fully randomised and double blind, especially with the vodka bulls.”
Linnett wasn’t surprised by the outcomes. “If I have a slice of meat-lovers with extra cheese and a coke before a match, my defence is pinpoint,” he said. “There’s a clear correlation. In fact, by finals time we got Kellyanne to ditch the control group and just feed everyone the good stuff. Led to a great run all the way to the GF. And the missus is pretty happy.”
The findings of the study contradict conventional wisdom that sugar is not good for you.
“That’s simply an Urban myth,” explained Dr Brody. “A lot like the carpet-python claim Keith made last year. Let me tell you, that led to nothing but disappointment.”
This study was funded by the North Queensland Government