Inaugural Shirts v Skins Touch Football Comp announced

By Destiny Givens

The annual Christians v Atheists touch football competition has been expanded and now will be held on the first weekend in August at Barlow Park. It includes extra teams, including a Seventh Day Adventist contingent (pictured above).

The event, conducted in a shirts/skins format, was originally scheduled for this week, but has had to be delayed due to a shortage of Christian players available. Further delays accrued when influential Hard Solipsist, Vern MacFarlane of Bentley Park, took an extended vacation in Nauru and was unavailable to oversee the match.

The delay to the event has led to some surprisingly positive spiritual outcomes, as explained by Michelle Mulgrave of the Cairns Christian Coalition.

“The CCC had a host of de-conversions in the lead-up to the match last year,” said Mrs Mulgrave from her offices on Abbot Street. “It seems a lot of our kiddies were going online and streaming anti-apologetics, street-epistemology and that kind of guff. It made Sunday School very combative. With all the departures, it was looking like we might need to get some Cathos in to fill the bench. We’ve always regarded them as a Mary-cult with an angel fetish who can’t manage a simple wrap-around, let alone a scissors move. And they always fall for the dummy. Anyway, thank the Lord, it won’t be required because we’ve stemmed the flow by making YouTube a sin. Deuteronomy is actually pretty specific on that. And congregations are booming since “God is good for you” came out. It’s a cracking read!”

Because of increases in the numbers of their faithful, the CCC executive realised that it had enough interested players to field two teams, divided along theological lines. Meanwhile, the Atherton Friendship Church, which has not previously been able to participate in the event due to intense proselytizing activities in the dry season, have also shown interest in competing. Other religious, spiritual and lifestyle-enhancing groups have also nominated teams to be involved.

As a result, Vern MacFarlane decreed that the event would be staged as a two day carnival with 16 teams competing for the inaugural Sheridan Cup.

The nominated teams have been divided into four groups, which will play in a round-robin competition on Friday 3rd of August (see below). The top two teams from each group will compete in a knockout phase on Saturday. Sunday will be a day of rest.

Tickets are available at the gate or at all good religious outlets.

The groups are:

Group A

  • Cairns Christian Coalition New Earth Creationists
  • Buridan Donkeys
  • Cairns Seventh Day Adventist Gileadians
  • Muxes of Mareeba

Group B

  • Smithfield Atheists and Skeptics Association
  • Bentley Park Beards
  • Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter-day Saints’ Magpies
  • St Monica’s Missionaries

Group C

  • Parents of Children of Mother of Good Counsel
  • Atherton Friendship Church
  • Bungalow Islamic Athletic Club and Dawah
  • Jay Keef Collective Kites

Group D

  • Gordonvale Gurus Kabaddi and Chapati Club
  • Tequila not Taqiyya Eagles not Falcons
  • Cairns Christian Coalition Old Earth Creationists
  • Freshwater Swingers

Tournament Director: Vern MacFarlane

Sponsors: Quetzalcoatl Bitter, RamBanana Federation, Boney Corporation, Snippy Wu. Entertainment: Hillsong Church

Published by murraymurchison

Editor in Chief at the Trinity Beach Plain Dealer

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: