Mexican car wrangling technology approved

By Paolo Zupp

Cairns Regional Council have put the green light on a trial of Mexican-built retractable speedbumps in the CBD.

Implementation of the Colina Furtiva (CF) units make use of number-plate and facial recognition to provide selective deployment. The initiative is partly funded by the Japanese government in an attempt to reduce the number of young Asian women in stripey socks on bicycles being maimed and killed in the CBD.

Mayor Bob Manning announced that there would be 18 installations in the first tranche and that there would be “interminable delays” in and around the CBD during construction. “It’s going to be annoying, but ultimately we need to put safety first,” he said from his chambers. “We’ve made sure to protect Outback Jack’s and the Noodle Box. And the Chemist Warehouse of course. The blithers float around there like billy-o.”

Eight of the installations have been funded by private enterprise, including four by Cairns Spring Works on Redden Street in Portsmith.

“We’re over the moon,” said General Manager Trevor McClatchan. “We’re expecting a big uptick in business and safety when some of the Amaroks and Polos start crashing into those beautiful bumps.”

Parts manager of Fulcrum Suspensions, David Greene, also purchased a CF Gold Pass for the introductory price of P1,700. “I’m sometimes a bit slow off the nest when I duck home to pay a birdcall to Kylie on my lunch-break,” he explained. “So I’ll be looking for a flat run back to work if possible. The added advantage of course I’ll be able to have the fellas buzz up one of the bumps if I can tailgate a Passat up to speed.”

Other CF Gold Passes were issued to Mayor Manning, his executive team, and the forward pack of the Northern Force. Around fifty other passes were purchased by private citizens who can’t be named for privacy reasons.

Published by murraymurchison

Editor in Chief at the Trinity Beach Plain Dealer

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