By Destiny Givens
Yesterday, the finals of the Sheridan Cup were played out at Barlow Park, with the Cairns Christian Coalition New Earth Creationists emerging victorious, with an 8-7 extra time victory against the Parents of the Children of Mother of Good Counsel.
Margaret Court, captain and half-back for the winning team accepted the trophy (above) from Greg Sheridan and gave a moving acceptance speech. Her final words, “God is not dead, and God is good for you and all you atheists and degenerates, you can fuck off to hell!”, were met with a standing ovation.
During the tournament, the New Earth Creations were undefeated, including a record-breaking 66-0 victory against the Tequila not Taqiyya Eagles not Falcons. It was later found that tournament director and hard solipsist, Vern MacFarlane, had fallen asleep during the match and woke from a bad dream suffering some indigestion and discomfort from the chimichanga he had consumed for elevenses.
The Hillsong singers then gave a rousing rendition of ‘Highway to Hell’ and the teams partied into the night until Vern’s bedtime.