Bald men strike back

By Allan Povah

Andrew Fitzgibbon (above), the president of the Far North Queensland Baldness Action League (FNQBAL), has called on lawmakers and community leaders to raise awareness about discrimination against bald persons and persons that identify as bald.

In an address to the Manunda Chamber of Commerce last night, Mr Fitzgibbon claimed that addressing bald discrimination will herald the next great social revolution.

“We have watched as great men and women and others have fought for and advanced the rights of the downtrodden,” he said. “They continue to fight the fight for those sufferers of discrimination whether it be over sexual preference, gender or skin colour. We applaud their efforts. But the tremendous social and rooting disadvantages than accrue from not having a magnificent mane have been completely overlooked until now. We bald men have had to accept a half-lifetime of slurs and celibacy. Well, let me say this. Where once it might have been acceptable to tap a man on his chrome dome, and say ‘hello baldy, it must be your shout. Introduce me to your missus. Can I borrow your car?’, it is acceptable no more. The missus will be unavailable. The car must be returned. We will call out these micro-aggressions when they occur. Bald lives matter.”

Mr Fitzgibbon went on to criticism the scientific community over their efforts in solving the problem. “Well, to be frank the so called medical community has been a massive disappointment,” he claimed. Then can cure typhus and polio but where are they on the conditions that cause the most heartbreak? When are they going to solve this problem? When? The best that they can promise is to end up like Warnie with a very ordinary thatch and having to wear a fucking hat. It’s a disgrace.”

FNQBAL plans to stage awareness campaigns through social media and personal cranial billboards. Their next meeting will be at Mr Fitzgibbon’s mansion at City View on Tuesday. All baldies and bald-identifying persons are welcome. Bring a plate.

If this story has raised any concerns for you please contact Beyond Bald.

Published by murraymurchison

Editor in Chief at the Trinity Beach Plain Dealer

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