Coroner releases report on Copeley death

By Murray Murchison.

The Coroner has released her findings into the untimely death of Mr Trent Copeley on the slopes of Early Hill in August this year.

The two-hundred page report has been translated into five different languages and an audio book has been compiled, with Copeley being voiced by Bobcat Goldthwait. Alex Papps voices Snake 6 and sound production is by Effin Foley of Manunda.

The autopsy report contained some disturbing details. Copeley’s body exhibited more than 100 snakebites and conclusion was he almost certainly died of an adverse response to their venom. A blood test of the victim revealed the presence of liver disease, diabetes, syphilis, insomnia and traces of Northern Bitter. The forensic analysis of golf-clubs found nearby showed traces of cassowary blood, rambutan and peanut butter. Several dead snakes and a decapitated scrub turkey were scattered around the body and Mr Copeley’s phone was completely uncharged.

The coroner’s verdict was murder by one or more taipans unknown. In her summation, she added that this was a “sadly avoidable death, an unutterably tragic and horribly painful demise on the malevolent and unforgiving slopes of Early Hill.”

Although Mr Copeley’s family declined to make a statement, they are understood to be satisfied with the outcome of the proceedings and have agreed to the release of several transcripts of the deceased man’s last words, as recorded on his mobile phone. Two of these are included below.

The body has been released and will be committed to the earth in a private ceremony next week. Vale Trent Copeley.

Recording #4

Can't get reception. Fucking Vodaphone. Can only ever get reception in their shops. Tried balancing the phone on the whacker to get it up high but no reception. While I've got me whackers I'll be OK. Fuck, I should turn the torch off. Battery is on one percent. (loud thud) Fuck a duckling. (inaudible) peanut fucking paste (inaudible) numnuts.

Recording 11:

Hiss hiss hiss (inaudible) Fore! Take that - fucker (loud thud) (inaudible) (groan) why can't we all get along (inaudible) hiss hiss (inaudible) Whoa (inaudible) Hisss.

Published by murraymurchison

Editor in Chief at the Trinity Beach Plain Dealer

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