September 2018 Classifieds

Looking For Love

I’m heading in the right direction for your loving and affection. Call me, Punchy!


Wanted: some kind of solution to the ant problem in my apartment in Clifton Beach. I’m at my wit’s end. I’ve tried talcum powder and Mr Sheen. Those little fuckers can’t be negotiated with. I’m not violent. Please help me. @wizfizluvva

I’m looking for a woman who is expert in sexual relations with Chinese men to discuss strategies and equipment requirements, esp XS condoms. New in town is OK. @babybunton

For Sale

For quick sale: Two golf clubs, slightly reddened. @cherylcassidy

For sale: 400ml bottles of Downy as used by the Sold-Out King. Limit 2 per customer. $200 each. @comfy_scalper


If you have been discriminated against for your hair deficiency contact FNQBAL. We have a retainer with @trilbymisso. No hair no pay. @fnqbal.

From Me to You

To the chode who ordered me a sparkly at the Red Hat on Thursday evening. Number one, Yellow is not going to open my legs. It’s VC or the Cook Highway, champion. Number two, I might hand out the raffle tickets but you gotta pay to win the lottery my fat friend. Happy wanking.

Personal Services

Don’t believe the lies, we can grow your natural hair back for more rooting. @hipmoi

Got halitosis? Fungal nails? Back hair? Are you an ugly mofugly. Contact UglyModels in Kuranda. Turn your deficit into credit. @uglymodel

Classifieds are published monthly. Maximum 50 words. Email to

Published by murraymurchison

Editor in Chief at the Trinity Beach Plain Dealer

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