Truth Day a huge success

By Murray Murchison.

Troubled by the preponderance of falsity and gaslighting in the world, the editorial team at the Plain Dealer have approached high profile figures from government, industry and sports to eat a little humble pie and shine some sunlight onto their dirty laundry.

And so the inaugural Plain Dealer Truth Day was conceived and was held this last weekend at the Reef Casino.

The format was simple. A guest would stand up, introduce themselves and explain the truth about their world. There was then a short Q&A period, fruit throwing and cocktails. Finally, with the truth laid out for all to see, everyone reverted back to their lives of deceit, satisfied in the knowledge that, for a moment at least, they had felt the merest glow of honesty.

The event was supposed to conducted under the Chatham House rule, but we lied about that, and have quoted the most egregious fibbers below.

Mrs Pat Doomadgee, Area Manager for Bunnings SmithfieldLower prices are just the beginningAll our stock isn’t sold by anyone else, so we never have to refund anything with the ‘beat it by 10%’ bullshit. And, by the way, lower prices aren’t just the beginning. That’s basically it. There’s nothing else. If you’re looking for extended service from us – forget it. The median age of our floor staff is twelve and most of them are pretty doughy. That’s the truth!
Error Farquhar,
Manager of Exotics at BetTolga
Remember, gamble responsiblyWe don’t really want you to gamble responsibly. We want you to gamble irresponsibly, to relentlessly chase your losses and crawl out of the betting shop wearing nothing but your underwear. Truth!
Ian ‘Dicko’ Dickinson, Australian IdolThe Australian Idol winners are decided by the peopleThe producers just decide the winners and losers based on the pre-written narrative arc. Oh, no – suddenly, Ricki-Lee is in the bottom three. Shock! How did that happen? Every 13 year-old girl in the country donated us fifty cents for that idea. The show is not about a referendum on the best artist. It’s about harvesting texts and creating some name-recognition for two or three hopeless dickheads so BMG can squeeze out a couple of shit covers. Then they spend the rest of their career playing RSLs and Carols by Candlelight. It was ever thus, and thus it shall ever be. That’s the truth. A big shout-out to Wes. Ni hǎo Shannon.
Oscar Kurtz, pickup specialist at HipMoiJust be a peacock and you can get pussyBasically if you’re ugly and boring then you’ll never get a root. There’s no pickup consultant in the world that can help you. Just dial up the porn and save up to go to Ukraine or somewhere. Sorry, but that’s the truth. And stop blocking me, dickhead.
Murray Murchison, Editor in Chief, Trinity Beach Plain DealerYou can get the news at the TBPDLook, the TBPD is a satirical blog. It’s not a newspaper. We’re not even in Trinity Beach. We are a 200 kg incel who lives in his mother’s basement in Ryde. Everything we publish is bullshit. So get the fuck off our website and make a difference in the world. You’re wasting your life reading this shit and that’s the truth.
Daz Zammit, Oceania General Manager, Argan CorporationThere are beauty and health benefits to Essence of ArganThe Pans are quite right. Essence of Argan is basically olive oil with some lavender and sweat mixed in. It is not ethically produced – we use whips. There are no benefits you couldn’t get from spraying your face with canola oil. Kylie Gillies is a paid spokesperson who doesn’t use the product and is in a steep decline, to be honest. We’ve cancelled her contract. That’s the truth.
Brent TateI’m a horseI’m not a horse. Neither is Silky. I look nothing like a horse. Those wankers at the Plain Dealer made it all up. I’m a sensitive man, a good father and a great sideline commentator. I don’t like apples so stop sending them to me. When I see that Murchison I’m going to fuck him up. That’s the truth.

Published by murraymurchison

Editor in Chief at the Trinity Beach Plain Dealer

One thought on “Truth Day a huge success

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: