November 2018 Classifieds

Looking For Love

Any Asian woman in Cooktown or Cow Bay areas. Wanna talk about conceptual art and shrieking? I’ll be playing gigs up there this weekend and would be keen to meet up. Or you can hang around and annoy the boys and we can go for cake. Contact me @winston


Experienced hardware management specialist need to replace sudden departure of predecessor. Must like sausages. If you can get a similar salary elsewhere we’ll beat it by 10%. Lowest salaries are just the beginning. @bunningssmithfield

Wanted urgently. Someone in the Lakeland Downs area who has a copy of the sheet music for Wonderwall. Just need to borrow to check a few things. Can offer a few prellies or a bacon buttie. @winston

For Sale

For sale: Second-hand DB3ooo-A2A model. JackieChan was working well. Only selling because Hong Kong family moved next door and JackieChan is acting strangely. Restless and snooping around. Possible HuaWei issue. Feel like JackieChan needs a new home. Paid $3000. Will sell for $2000 ono. No texts, calls or emails for obvious reasons. If interested, meet me at happy hour at the place where they sell kangaroo burgers near the place where the bats live in the city. I’ll be disguised in a CCP hat. For anyone listening I love Chinese food and Xi Jinping is very slim and handsome.

For quick sale – a four litre tub of Essence of Argan. $50 or will swap for a saucy picture of Kylie Gillies (pre decline, circa 2014).


Cairns Players are recruiting talent for upcoming performances. Bearded tenors (men and women) would be very welcome. Otherwise if you can sing or dance or schlep some props, come to the Rondo Saturday at 2pm. BYO modesty socks. RSVP @rondo.

From Me to You

Hey Murchison, I’m coming to Ryde to find you and fuck you up. You’ll be easy to find. I’ll hang around the maccas and look for a fat fucker with a vitamin D deficiency and a small dick. Vengeance will be mine. Giddy up.

To Juliet, sorry about the other day. I don’t like banoffle. if the Serenity operative is busy you can come to the Christmas party at the studio and I’ll try to explain. Bring mistletoe. Hans Gruber and Beatrice will be there. @walkingdeadguy

Personal Services

Amy-Does-Toes has been invited for a short residency at Delta Downstairs, Trinity Beach. Amy has agreed to come to us from the 3rd to the 8th of December. Got an ingrown or fungal infection? Come see Amy for an intensive session of scraping, ripping, reconstruction and decorating. Book early @delta_downstairs

Classifieds are published monthly. Maximum 50 words. Email to

Published by murraymurchison

Editor in Chief at the Trinity Beach Plain Dealer

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