Police in hot pursuit of Almond Tree murderer

By Allan Povah.

Three beach almond trees have been poisoned at the southern end of Trinity Beach. Locals are furious that the 75 year old trees will be lost forever, survived only by memories and wood-chips.

Fourteen members of Far North Queensland Police CID were investigating at the scene again today, taking soil samples and testing espresso coffees at Fratelli’s restaurant. They were then seen at L’Unicos, scrutinising a bucket of sweet potato wedges with aioli. Later, at the TB Bar and Grill, police were overheard questioning staff about various non-vegetarian menu options.

In a press conference held at the Trinity Beach Tavern, Senior Sergeant Paulette Denning outlined the progress of the investigation.

“We are following several strong leads and are pursuing multiple lines of investigation. This is a heinous crime and no one is above suspicion,” she said.

When asked if any solid motives for the crime had been established, Senior Sergeant Denning replied, “We believe these trees blocked the beautiful view of the coral sea. We also understand that they emit an unpleasant semen-like odour in the summertime. I wouldn’t know. But based on this, we are working on the theory that this is probably the work of a dendrophobic, spermatophobic realtor. Unfortunately, apart from the Palm Cove Harcourts agency, that doesn’t narrow the suspect pool down very much.

Denning also added that several incidental arrests for unrelated offences had been made during their time at Trinity Beach.

“We have made numerous arrests of various IC1 and IC5 offenders who were owning and operating canines in the leashed area without a leash. These type of contingent crimes and malfeasances are often uncovered when we undertake a complex investigation like a tree poisoning. The canine matters have been referred to the DDCCH. The shoggers have been cautioned.”

Denning was unable to discount the possibility that a serial poisoner may be responsible for the deaths, and that similar shrub interference cases at Kewarra Beach and Yorkey’s Knob were under investigation. She confirmed that, if required, several nicknames were able to be deployed to advance public awareness of the crimes, including “The Lopper”, “Crazy Jim”, “Wacko Whitney” and “The Tree Drugger.” A final decision is yet to be made.

If you know anything about the the tree poisonings, or have information about off-leash activities, contact Crimestoppers. They will be available at Laze Restaurant for lunch every day this week.

Published by murraymurchison

Editor in Chief at the Trinity Beach Plain Dealer

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