February 2019 Classifieds

Looking For Love

Hopelessly romantic, cuddly soon-to-be professional knife-thrower looking for brave woman with small head and big hair for target practice and chill. Maybe more. @william_tell_in_black_jeans


Needed: Partner in pyramid chicken plucking scheme. It’s a job no one wants which makes it the perfect scalable opportunity. You benefit from other people’s plucking. Goldmine guaranteed. Must have a reliable back and no allergies. Zero buy in and your money back in six weeks. @feather-pyramid

For Sale

For sale: Blue 1999 Honda Civic. VGC. Steering wheel is pristine and no spiders. $1,200 ono. No tyre-kickers. @edsonjungkook

Cosy little lifesaver’s shack for sale at Trinity Beach. Absolute beach frontage. Sea breezes, and a convenient stroll to the stinger nets or a cafe-latte at Fratellis. Buyers above 1.2 million should consider. Inspections available outside patrol hours. @baird


Calling Indian restaurateurs. Trinity Beach calling – where the fuck are you? Spicy Bite – I’m looking at you! We TB folk rare gagging for some alternative to Massaman and fucking Lunicos. Would one of you please do the due diligence and you’ll find that there is a killing to be made up here. You can count on me for one branch of the holy trinity (Butter Chic, Lamb Korm and Beef Vinda) every Weekday night for as long as I live. Please don’t forget the naan. @redrobbins

From Me to You

Hi Juliet, Things have turned crazy here… @walkingdeadguy

G’Day Charlie from Keem St. Can I borrow your wife? @lucky

Hey incoganonny or whatever the fuck your name is. Do you know who you are dealing with? I’ll fuck you up like a dry July, my tight-arsed bunny. Mess with me and its carney town all fucking forever. @whit_west

Personal Services

Calling kindly personal service people. I need someone with extreme myopia to confirm (possibly imagined) miniature carcinomas on my butt-cheeks (some bad decisions made in swimwear choice during my youth). Must not be unnerved by rashes and blotchiness. No payment available but you’ll have all my gratitude. No pygophiliacs. @arsey_chondriac

Classifieds are published monthly. Maximum 50 words. Email to tbpd@iinetnet.au

Published by murraymurchison

Editor in Chief at the Trinity Beach Plain Dealer

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