April 2019 Classifieds

Looking For Love

Shortish man, swarthy but not too much, looking for tall coffee-coloured woman for breeding. Profits 50/50. Please email your pedigree and recent photo (pref nude) to andy_pants@gmail.com.

Wanted

Anyone has had some kind of stroke or car accident or syphilis or other tragedy …please don’t worry. If you have a BTS ticket, I’ll take it off your hands, no charge. Happy to live-stream the event if you’re not blind or demented. Bad luck BTW. Peace. Contact me. @fiona_frecklington_fff

Wanted: Monkey wrangler for actor-training in big-budget production. Must have the patience of Job and live in the Gordonvale region. Ear plugs supplied. @bigdirt

For Sale

For sale: Bottle of 1996 Pat Purcell Merlot (minus one mouthful). Top drop but – fair warning – probably best used for cooking. @jj_stjohn_smythe

For sale: Woody ooshie with factory defect (schlong). $150. @vestergaarded

Announcements

Dreams can come true. Look at me babe, I’m with you @gabrielle

From Me to You

Juliet, You won’t believe it, I’m in jail. No, it’s not like that – it’s a safe place to be while the infected are still lurching around. Pete should come over for holidays. I could take him out on patrol. @walkingdeadguy

People, people, people. Shape Up! When pedestrian stops and allows your vehicle to pass, (instead of blundering onto the road like a blither causing you to come to a screeching halt), some acknowledgement is the minimum requirement of human decency. A nod or smile, but preferably a jolly wave is needed. I’m taking numbers. Cheers @politeness_police.

Personal Services

Unhappy with your cosmetic surgery? We specialise in cosmetic procedure outcome appraisals. Boob-jobs and labiaplasty are our bread and butter. Come and show us. For a smallish fee, we can determine your pathways for improvement, status quo or Trilby Misso. @lift_tuck_snip_consulants.

Classifieds are published monthly. Maximum 50 words. Email to tbpd@iinetnet.au

Published by murraymurchison

Editor in Chief at the Trinity Beach Plain Dealer

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