By Murray Murchison.
Televangelist Kenneth Copeland has appeared on his syndicated television channel and has, on behalf of The Almighty, called for an end to Satan’s role in the COVID-19 pandemic and demanded a vaccination immediately.
The address, reproduced below, has given a great deal of relief to North Queenslanders who have been very concerned about the onset of the pandemic and the effect it might have on tourism and Rugby League.
“In the name of Jesus, standing in the office of the prophet of God, I execute judgement on you COVID-19, I execute judgement on you Satan, you destroyer, you killer, you get out. you won’t break your power, you get off this nation. I demand judgement on you! I demand, I demand! I demand! I demand a vaccination to come immediately! I call you done! I call you gone! You come down from your place of authority, destroyer. You come down and you crawl on your belly like God commanded you when he put his foot on your head in the Garden of Eden. You will destroy the COVID-19. No more! It is finished! It is over! And the United States of America is healed and well again.Copyright Kenneth Copeland Ministries, Tarrant County, Texas. All rights reserved.
Whilst the performance was generally well received, some analysts were a little confused as to the intended recipients of Copeland’s various demands, which seemed to be variously directed at God, Satan, and the scientific community.
Reverend Toby Kliminock of the Atherton Friendship Church was somewhat concerned that Copeland seemed to be claiming to be a prophet of God and seemed to be speaking on His behalf. “Also, was it necessary to bring up the Garden of Eden imbroglio?,” Reverend Kliminock asked. “Surely we can put all that behind us and concentrate on present day evils, like cross-dressing and PornHub.”
Abel Beaton, a 29 year old Christian and aviation enthusiast from Kewarra Beach was energised by the message.
“KC hit that evil snake pandemic out of the ball-park,” Mr Beaton said. “KC messed it up. KC gonna stack KC Ministries into his KC-135, take off from KC airport and refuel the Word of the Lord 25/7. Angel 44 style. Praise the Lord!”
The Chief Medical Officer, Dr George Peponis, has indicated that, whilst Copeland’s demands of Satan were specifically targeting the US outbreak of the infection, they are being taken very seriously to inform possible changes to local policy.
Later, in a written statement, Peponis said that, in light of Copeland’s demands, “epidemiological models have been re-calibrated” and as a result there would be “no change to North Queensland’s COVID-19 response, except that anti-antivenom stocks will be bolstered.” He added that should people encounter a snake, they should not stand on the snake’s head. They should “Leave the snake alone, get dressed and wear a mask. Over their nose and mouth.”