March 2021 Classifieds

Looking For Love

A spry 83 year old gentleman and (recent) widower is looking for 20-something blonde cultured lady for youth rediscovery. No widgies. RSVP @harold_kuiper_38

Looking for experienced lover to induct a perky 24 year-old geriatric nurse into the ways of love. No one under 75 need apply. I can get a pump from work if that helps. @quiet_alice


Wanted: Yabbie-pump for repurposing as Richard. Must be hermetic. Will swap for anusol. @harold_kuiper_38

For Sale

For sale: Multipurpose barbecue spatula. Used once. Disinfected. $10.


Looking for an authentic outback tropical holiday on a working farm? Visit G G Rockley Pig Farms at Atherton and stay in a rustic pen with full amenities. Bottle of sparkly on arrival. Some duties required. Would suit Anosmiacs and Phantosmiacs. @gg_rocks_piggy

From Me to You

To the gang-shit graffiti guy, we’re looking for a blackboard artist and we like what you have to say. Come talk @lunicos

To the toy that couldn’t use a cannon in a gunfight. Fuck thy tags dickweed. Buff thyself. @king.gunshot

To the graffiti artist 4780 Fuck Thy Dogs. We love your work. You have won an all-expenses paid holiday for three to six months. Do not pass Go. Come to 1117 Captain Cook Highway, Smithfield ASAP. @winners


To all readers, I’d like to apologize for elements of the story about the closure of the Blue Moon Bar and Grill, for which I was the primary contributor. I deeply regret using the phrase ‘Namaste fuckers’ and will endeavor never to use this terminology again. In my defense, I had just downed a bottle of Lindy Fraise and was feeling deeply guilty over my un-provable role in the financial problems suffered by the BMB&G. Sincerely, MM.

Classifieds are published monthly. Maximum 90 words. Email to

Published by murraymurchison

Editor in Chief at the Trinity Beach Plain Dealer

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