Payten cleans house

By Kimberley Schloss.

In a feature article in this week’s edition of Paris Match, Cowboys head coach Todd Payten described his initial days in residence at Cowboys House. During this time he offloaded Josh McGuire and Esan Marsters and let loose his high-performance team, who “ripped through the premises with a pallet of Easy-Off BAM and extreme predudice”.

The clean-out of the CowHouse, is in response to a set of metrics (below), made public by the Cowboys’ Board of Management, by which Payten’s performance is to be evaluated.

Must AchieveNice to Achieve
1. Finish in front of Broncos5. Remain Undefeated
2. Update Nickname List6. Re-acquire Kalyn Ponga
3. Implement Mould exclusion policy7. Work out how to do a scissors move
4. — (Details not released)8. Move the goalposts
Cowboys KPIs 2021 Season

On the basis of the KPIs, Payten looks tom be in good shape. After two wins from the first six outings, the Cowboys sit at 15th on the ladder but remain ahead of the deplorable Broncos. Payten has assured fans that a new nickname list is imminent and that the retirement of Michael Morgan has left room in the salary-cap for a fishing trip to the Hunter Valley.

The specifics of KPI 4 have not been released publicly, but after a clarification this week that there had been a misprint in KPI 3, made the exciting news that Gus has now been denied entry to North Queensland all the more significant.

The Cowboys take on the hopelessly steroid-enhanced Raiders tonight at Queensland C*ntry Bank Stadium it what is almost certain to be a heavy loss.

Published by murraymurchison

Editor in Chief at the Trinity Beach Plain Dealer

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