Artists target Elite Performer

By Destiny Givens.

The iconic Coastwatchers bus-stop seat outside the Red Cross on Trinity Beach Road, which for many years has featured Real-Estate Agent, Mark Carmady (the Elite Performer), has again been the target of graffiti artists.

Overnight, the picture of Mr Carmady affixed to the eastern side of the seat was decorated with some classic graffitology, featuring a downward-inclined, extravagantly venous cock-and-balls. Along the arms and seating section, there were several additional c-and-b glyphs, an icon of the Blue Origin rocket, a back-door reference and a roughly rendered punisher symbol.

Secretary of the Trinity Beach Chamber of Commerce, Lou-Ann Durieux was impressed by the artwork, but not without some reservation.

“Everyone knows that I’m a free-speech fundamentalist,” said Mr Durieux from her offices on Moore Street. “I love to see these young artists expressing themselves. But my dealings over the years with Mr Carmady have shown him to be the most ethical and urbane fellow. I feel that it would be mostly inaccurate to represent him as a dickhead.”

Mr Jiggy Silver Riddick R Gunshot, President of the Cairns All-City King Krew (CaCKK) – the peak-body for graffiti practitioners in North Queensland – was contacted about the artwork, but declined to comment.

Goodrem prevails in The Hague

By Allan Povah

The full bench of the International Criminal Court (ICCt) in The Hague, has handed down a decision in the case Goodrem vs World Health Organization (WHO) over trademark violation, and damages associated with lost income, anguish and heartbreak.

Over a gruelling two-week hearing Waleed Aly QC, appearing for Goodrem, eviscerated WHO officials over their short-sighted and hurtful selection of the Greek alphabet in the categorization of variants for the novel Coronavirus that “committed a catastrophic calumny on my client”. Aly described their ignorance of popular music and culture as “contemptible and unscientific”.

The primary witness for the defendant, WHO’s Covid-19 technical lead, Professor Maria Van Kerkhove, was harangued relentlessly by Aly, who demanded to know why other better known categorization systems, such as the Radiotelephony Alphabet (RA) were not considered.

Professor Van Kerkhove explained that the RA was considered but rejected on the basis of possible offense to Indians, Québécois, Peruvians and golfers. She explained that other categories were considered for the virus classification including female first names, styles of blues music, towns in Alabama and Mexican wrestlers. Tellingly, Professor Van Kerkhove admitted that all candidate systems contained the identifier ‘Delta’ and choosing one of these alternative systems would have afforded “no relief to the plaintiff”.

Van Kerkhove also made the improbable claim that she did not own, nor had she ever listened to, the Innocent Eyes album.

In providing the majority opinion, Judge Piotr Hofmański was scathing in his criticism of WHO and demanded a full inquiry into the management of virus etymology. The court will reconvene in November to rule on damages, which are expect to be in the tens of millions of Euros.

Payten rescues missing boys

By Kimberley Schloss

It is the end of another shithouse season at the Cowboys, with the team falling to 15th position after a series of defeats that piled embarrassment on top of incompetence. And with the team falling short of most of the targeted KPIs, it is likely that an executive suite at the CowHouse will shortly be vacated.

However, the closing of the season has not been all bad news for coach Payten. It has been revealed by insiders that the baldy-burly-beardy (above) has played a key role in the rescue of two lost children. The story is remarkable. Beset by self-doubt and stimulants during the final weeks of the season, unable to sleep and on a nocturnal stagger through the CowHouse, Payten stumbled across two twelve year-old Samoan boys who had been missing for more than nine and a half months.

The boys, Tama Palepoi and Hohepa Ka’ana’ana, had played as prop-forwards for the Under-13 Sala’ilua Rabbitohs in Townsville’s annual Dalkon Shield carnival held last December. Following the presentation ceremony in the Long Room at Cowboys House, the boys failed to board the team bus. Subsequently, they were declared missing. After a fruitless week-long search, authorities concluded that they had probably been recruited by a private boys’ school for conversion to Rugby Union.

In actuality, distracted by the gold medals around their necks and possessing none of the ambient wit of a five-eighth, the boys, disoriented in the byzantine corridors of the East Wing, became hopelessly lost. Eventually, tired and dehydrated, they set up camp in the suite vacated by Ethan Lowe, and over the ensuing months subsisted on schmackos and pigeon food, spending their days watching Real Estate Agents of Palm Cove and every episode of Un village français.

All’s well that ends well. The two Samoan boys have been reunited with their families and are understood to be considering offers of tuition by Townsville Grammar School and an appearance on Samoa’s Got Talent.

And, as much as this reporter has supported, defended and loved him; the future may not be as bright for coach Paten.

Delta to sue WHO

By Shirley Higgins-Croft

Delta Goodrem, iconoclastic songstress and displaced team-leader on ‘The Voice’, has filed suit in the International Criminal Court (ICCt) over trademark violations.

Ms Goodrem was putting the finishing touches on her latest album ‘Variant’, when she heard the announcement from WHO’s Covid-19 technical lead, Maria Van Kerkhove, that the B.1.617.2 strain would be renamed ‘Delta’.

“I was laying down some wistful harmonies when I heard the news,” Ms Goodrem explained via Zoom from her studio in Cloncurry. “It’s as clear a violation of international copyright as could be imagined. And I’m so disappointed in Maria. She was such a dear friend in my Cornell days.”

Goodrem, who has acquired copyright on the terms ‘Delta’, ‘Innocent Eyes’, “Delta Airlines’, ‘Nile Delta’ and ‘Delta Downstairs’, will be represented by Waleed Aly and is suing for damages, anguish, heartbreak and reprinting costs totaling $US 57 million. The case is expected to be heard in September before the full bench of the ICCt.

Professor Van Kerkhove was contacted but was unavailable for comment.

Announcement: Yeung placed on leave

By Editor in Chief Murray Murchison

Plain Dealer IT guru and occasional contributor, Edson Yeung, has been placed on stress-leave and will spend the rest of the month in his safe place in Kewarra.

Staff had noticed some strange behavior from Mr Yeung following the recent COVID lockdowns, including some aggressiveness when asked to mask-up during editorial meetings.

Mr Yeung’s medical advice has been to undertake a course of Ivermectin and to implement electromagnetic filtering. He is expected to return to duty in the New World Order.

Diogo mystery solved

A special report by cub reporter Mitchell Murchison.

We’ve finally solved the big question at home! Whose turn to do the wiping up? Answer: Always Melissa. Ha Ha just joking! Not joking.

No, really, we finally solved the mystery of where Diogo was doing his poo-poos. We looked everywhere. It’s been such a mystery and I thought Melissa was eating them (joke) but I was wrong.

So I did a stakeout! After soccer on Saturday (beat Edge Hill United 11-9) I lay under a beanbag near where Diogo likes to sleep. Anyway, I looked up from my Switch (Breath of the Wild – tops!!), and – hey presto – Diogo had pushed out some little grogans. Big moment. Then, before you could say “ploppy plop plop” Dustin showed up (see above pic) and scooped up up the poops with his little broom like a super-pooper-scooper. Dustin is the best!

PS. Melissa thinks Diogo is really a girl llama because he has a tiny dingdong and that we might be getting some baby llamas. She is so lame. I hope we get some baby llamas!

Yours fruitfully, Mitchell Murchison, 11 Harris Street, Parramatta Park, 4870, Queensland, Australia, Southern Hemisphere, Earth, Solar System, Milky Way, Universe.

Iconic graffiti accompanies our FREEDOM towards oblivion

By Edson Yeung.

Trinity Beach’s famous COVID=HOAX graffiti sign (above) has slowly been obliterated by a year of tropical heat and rain. Once resplendently carrying a snowy white message of defiance to those stupid doctors and scientists who can’t seem to apply a little common sense, it is now a shadow of its former self.

It is surely no coincidence that there is a 5G tower across the road atop the Red Cross building in Coastwatchers Park.

For a time, there was some speculation that the sign was another work by activist sprayer Banksy, but this was vehemently denied by Pest Control. Verily, those who are watching knew it to be a beacon of truth in a world controlled by faithless elites. Now, having barely survived the wet season, and as the so-called “vaccine” rollout commences, this perfect resistance to so-called “expertise” is the sole coherent voice shouting against the machinery of evil. What a despicable demise to a Trinity Beach ICON!! Who allowed this to happen? Have these shadowy figures deigned to infiltrate the Cairns Regional Council and the quality control operatives of Dulux? Their reach is limitless. Their dishonor is depthless.

People, do not accept the “vaccine”. Do not put your liberty in the hands of the pedophile cartels of mayhem and subjugation. Take a stand! Take a stand against the reach of the Chinese Communist Party! Gamble irresponsibly and remember who you are. A sovereign human with INALIENABLE rights to your humanity.

Vale COVID=HOAX! Vale Freedom!

Payten cleans house

By Kimberley Schloss.

In a feature article in this week’s edition of Paris Match, Cowboys head coach Todd Payten described his initial days in residence at Cowboys House. During this time he offloaded Josh McGuire and Esan Marsters and let loose his high-performance team, who “ripped through the premises with a pallet of Easy-Off BAM and extreme predudice”.

The clean-out of the CowHouse, is in response to a set of metrics (below), made public by the Cowboys’ Board of Management, by which Payten’s performance is to be evaluated.

Must Achieve	Nice to Achieve
1. Finish in front of Broncos	5. Remain Undefeated
2. Update Nickname List	6. Re-acquire Kalyn Ponga
3. Implement Mould exclusion policy	7. Work out how to do a scissors move
4. — (Details not released)	8. Move the goalposts

Cowboys KPIs 2021 Season

On the basis of the KPIs, Payten looks tom be in good shape. After two wins from the first six outings, the Cowboys sit at 15th on the ladder but remain ahead of the deplorable Broncos. Payten has assured fans that a new nickname list is imminent and that the retirement of Michael Morgan has left room in the salary-cap for a fishing trip to the Hunter Valley.

The specifics of KPI 4 have not been released publicly, but after a clarification this week that there had been a misprint in KPI 3, made the exciting news that Gus has now been denied entry to North Queensland all the more significant.

The Cowboys take on the hopelessly steroid-enhanced Raiders tonight at Queensland C*ntry Bank Stadium it what is almost certain to be a heavy loss.

Mourners flock to farewell Cutie

By Shirley Higgins-Croft.

From Botswana, from Birdsville and from Brinsmead they came. From the families of Pelecanidae, Phoenicopteridae and Thurston they came. Over the canefields, from the swamps and through the McGregor Road construction-site they came. They drove, they crawled, they flew, they walked. And yesterday, they cried and squawked. On an unseasonably wet day at the Yaps Gardens in Smithfield (above) they paid their respects and bid their farewells to Cutie the Curlew.

Cutie was killed in a fracas in late February that caused a worldwide social media sensation. In the short time since, she has become a local icon. More than one thousand mourners attended the burial ceremony to bear witness to a life led to the full in the paradise that is Trinity Beach. A life of strutting and screeching and shitting. A life of so many chicks and so much love. It was a moving ceremony, in which mourners were able to view the bird in calm repose, de-loused and tastefully arranged in its tiny coffin, mounted upon a intricately carved funeral plinth of pure ivory.

Within this atmosphere of deep sorrow and chirping, there was one jarring moment. A pet cat, brought along by its owners to provide comfort during this profoundly emotional time, escaped their grasp, jumped into the open coffin and started toying with the deceased. Fortunately, Reverend Magritte Bayliss of White Ladies quickly intervened, apprehended the intruder and seamlessly reattached the starboard wing. The ceremony then continued without further interruption.

In his eulogy, Mayor Bob Manning provided a ray of hope glinting over the rocky horizon of the McAllister Range. “Cutie’s life, taken far too soon by Destiny’s spatula, will not be forgotten”, he declared. “We will make sure of that. The council have approved plans for a giant statue to be constructed on Trinity Beach in Cutie’s honor.”

Manning’s final words, reproduced below, formed a perfect tribute to our Cutie. Long will she be remembered.

“Vale Cutie. Screech well in the afterlife, old friend. There, your plumage is forever sleek and downy. Your beak is unrelenting. The lice are plentiful and nourishing. Inside the hearts of those left behind, your memory is secure. Screech well.”

Gus Gould to be denied entry to North Queensland

By Kimberley Schloss.

Cowboys fans have railed against the commentary of Phil ‘Gus’ Gould during the 34-30 win over the grieving Tigers yesterday. As a result of Gould’s bizarre performance it is expected that Prime Minister Val Shier will consider denying a visa for Gould should he wish to take up commentary duties in North Queensland.

This is likely to be a symbolic act, as the portly ex-supercoach never travels north of the Tropic of Capricorn, allegedly due to ‘sweating issues.’

The Cowboys dominated the first half yesterday, leading by 22 points at the break. At the start of the second half, Gus formulated a plan for the Tigers’ comeback. It was simple. “Score the next try, then the next try, then the next try, then the next try. And convert them all. And don’t allow the Cowboys to score,” he schemed.

His cunning plan began to unfold nicely as the Tiger scored three quick-fire touchdowns. Then, when a fourth was seemingly scored in the north-eastern corner of Leichhardt Oval, the scheme began to come apart. The try was disallowed by The Bunker due to a clear obstruction from Jimmy ‘The Jet’ Roberts.

At this point, Gus fulminated against the officials for applying the rules. His narrative (of a come-from-behind fibro-silvertail bring-back-the-biff man’s-game triumph blessed by Tommy Raudonikis RIP) was smashed to little pieces by those attention-seeking pedants.

As the WIN Television drone lifted about the green oval on a beautiful 11 degree autumn day showing picturesque views of Australia’s biggest city, Gus signed off by saying “if you don’t live in Sydney, you’re camping out.”

Meanwhile, in Townsville it was 28 degrees. And this Trinity Beach reporter, lounging beside a resort pool, looking fabulous and drinking Pimms reached the same conclusion that is apparent to every Cowboys fan, every week.

“You’re a fuckin’ idiot Gus.’