Man loves Dog

By Destiny Givens.

Fashion photographer and leather aficionado, Roger Taleeb (above), has appeared on the popular WIN Television reality show The Dog House and was excited to meet and fall in love with his dream pooch.

The Dog House is the top-rating rescue-animal show in the Far North. It’s format, of a team of knockabout dog-handlers who match unwanted orphan dogs to emotionally-needy wannabe dog-masters, has resonated with the local viewership and attracts a weekly audience of more than seven million streams.

Reportedly, Mr Taleeb presented the Dog House team with a tricky assignment.

“I had some very specific requirements,” he explained via Zoom from his bungalow in Bungalow. “I definitely wanted it to have a snout. Definitely. But no shitting, no barking, no molting and absolutely no licking. And I preferred it to be flightless. Better for everyone.”

These requirements presented a considerable challenge to the Dog House team, a situation duly exploited by the show’s producers, who styled Taleeb’s story into a narrative rainbow of seven episodes including cliff-hangers, a dog-wedding and a schmacko ceremony. After an exhaustive search*, the team finally cracked the brief when they introduced Mr Taleeb to his new forever-dog, Grogan (below).

“It’s like peaches and cream, a coach and a team,” exclaimed Taleeb. “A perfect match. I couldn’t be happier. And he’s got a huge set of lickable balls to boot. Up here, you really need a big set because of the humidity. And … he’s a Christian.”

Grogan, who is best known for his role as best-dog at the wedding of former first-dog Ringo (deceased – mange) to Dixie Marshmallow (deceased – put down), was the only animal to successfully complete the lack-of-flight test off the cliffs at Rex’s Lookout.

Dog House screens Tuesday evenings on WIN.

(*27 dogs were maimed in the creation of this story)

Artists target Elite Performer

By Destiny Givens.

The iconic Coastwatchers bus-stop seat outside the Red Cross on Trinity Beach Road, which for many years has featured Real-Estate Agent, Mark Carmady (the Elite Performer), has again been the target of graffiti artists.

Overnight, the picture of Mr Carmady affixed to the eastern side of the seat was decorated with some classic graffitology, featuring a downward-inclined, extravagantly venous cock-and-balls. Along the arms and seating section, there were several additional c-and-b glyphs, an icon of the Blue Origin rocket, a back-door reference and a roughly rendered punisher symbol.

Secretary of the Trinity Beach Chamber of Commerce, Lou-Ann Durieux was impressed by the artwork, but not without some reservation.

“Everyone knows that I’m a free-speech fundamentalist,” said Mr Durieux from her offices on Moore Street. “I love to see these young artists expressing themselves. But my dealings over the years with Mr Carmady have shown him to be the most ethical and urbane fellow. I feel that it would be mostly inaccurate to represent him as a dickhead.”

Mr Jiggy Silver Riddick R Gunshot, President of the Cairns All-City King Krew (CaCKK) – the peak-body for graffiti practitioners in North Queensland – was contacted about the artwork, but declined to comment.

Goodrem prevails in The Hague

By Allan Povah

The full bench of the International Criminal Court (ICCt) in The Hague, has handed down a decision in the case Goodrem vs World Health Organization (WHO) over trademark violation, and damages associated with lost income, anguish and heartbreak.

Over a gruelling two-week hearing Waleed Aly QC, appearing for Goodrem, eviscerated WHO officials over their short-sighted and hurtful selection of the Greek alphabet in the categorization of variants for the novel Coronavirus that “committed a catastrophic calumny on my client”. Aly described their ignorance of popular music and culture as “contemptible and unscientific”.

The primary witness for the defendant, WHO’s Covid-19 technical lead, Professor Maria Van Kerkhove, was harangued relentlessly by Aly, who demanded to know why other better known categorization systems, such as the Radiotelephony Alphabet (RA) were not considered.

Professor Van Kerkhove explained that the RA was considered but rejected on the basis of possible offense to Indians, Québécois, Peruvians and golfers. She explained that other categories were considered for the virus classification including female first names, styles of blues music, towns in Alabama and Mexican wrestlers. Tellingly, Professor Van Kerkhove admitted that all candidate systems contained the identifier ‘Delta’ and choosing one of these alternative systems would have afforded “no relief to the plaintiff”.

Van Kerkhove also made the improbable claim that she did not own, nor had she ever listened to, the Innocent Eyes album.

In providing the majority opinion, Judge Piotr Hofmański was scathing in his criticism of WHO and demanded a full inquiry into the management of virus etymology. The court will reconvene in November to rule on damages, which are expect to be in the tens of millions of Euros.

Payten rescues missing boys

By Kimberley Schloss

It is the end of another shithouse season at the Cowboys, with the team falling to 15th position after a series of defeats that piled embarrassment on top of incompetence. And with the team falling short of most of the targeted KPIs, it is likely that an executive suite at the CowHouse will shortly be vacated.

However, the closing of the season has not been all bad news for coach Payten. It has been revealed by insiders that the baldy-burly-beardy (above) has played a key role in the rescue of two lost children. The story is remarkable. Beset by self-doubt and stimulants during the final weeks of the season, unable to sleep and on a nocturnal stagger through the CowHouse, Payten stumbled across two twelve year-old Samoan boys who had been missing for more than nine and a half months.

The boys, Tama Palepoi and Hohepa Ka’ana’ana, had played as prop-forwards for the Under-13 Sala’ilua Rabbitohs in Townsville’s annual Dalkon Shield carnival held last December. Following the presentation ceremony in the Long Room at Cowboys House, the boys failed to board the team bus. Subsequently, they were declared missing. After a fruitless week-long search, authorities concluded that they had probably been recruited by a private boys’ school for conversion to Rugby Union.

In actuality, distracted by the gold medals around their necks and possessing none of the ambient wit of a five-eighth, the boys, disoriented in the byzantine corridors of the East Wing, became hopelessly lost. Eventually, tired and dehydrated, they set up camp in the suite vacated by Ethan Lowe, and over the ensuing months subsisted on schmackos and pigeon food, spending their days watching Real Estate Agents of Palm Cove and every episode of Un village français.

All’s well that ends well. The two Samoan boys have been reunited with their families and are understood to be considering offers of tuition by Townsville Grammar School and an appearance on Samoa’s Got Talent.

And, as much as this reporter has supported, defended and loved him; the future may not be as bright for coach Paten.

Another One Bites the Dust

By Kimberley Schloss.

Police have escalated their search for a possible drone assassin after another device, allegedly owned by Kayden Taylor, 4, of Oyster Court, was found forlorn, disabled and discarded on the side of Trinity Beach Road. This is the latest in a string of drone-related tragedies in the northern beaches area.

Onlookers initially observed the Parrot Minidrone 36XKB model (above) hovering harmlessly above the Good-start Learning Centre. Subsequently, it appeared to lose power and plummeted to the ground, narrowly missing a group of technologically oblivious crusties on a day-trip from Yorkeys Knob retirement village.

“It was a bloody near thing,” shouted day-tripper Eugene Prager. “We’d gotten ourselves a wee bit geographically embarrassed and we sent sent Joyce over to ask at the Kindy where in blazes Trinity Beach Road was. Ha ha, it turned out to be right in front of us, but we had gotten ourselves distracted by the Lechenaultia acutilobas and the wallaby droppings. Anyway, this helicopter thing buzzed past Anthea and nearly hit old George in the head. It came a cropper and ended up base over apex on the nature strip. George accidentally stood on it, but it was already dead by then.”

Police consultant and aviation investigator, Macarthur Job, attended the scene and it is understood that he has conducted extensive interviews at the kindergarten and the retirement village. In a short statement to the Plain Dealer, Job indicated that Police were “not considering charging anyone or anything at this stage.”

The drone has been released to the owner and it is believed to have been placed in a wheelie bin where it will remain until collection next Monday night.

Hello, Newman?

By Paolo Zupp.

A new private school is taking shape within overwhelming ear-shot of the Cook Highway at Smithfield Heights. Newman Catholic College (above) will be only the second school in North Queensland named after a Seinfeld character and is planned to open next year.

However tradie shortages associated with COVID and ambient regional laziness have put the construction well behind schedule. Planning manager, Father Dominic Calhoun, has bemoaned the difficulties that have beset the project, and has indicated to parents of prospective students that they might expect some unconventional delivery mechanisms in the first semester of 2022.

“The timeline was always going to be a big ask anyway,” explained Father Calhoun from his personal seminary in Mooroobool. “From green fields to Revelation inside six months was optimistic. Thank the Good Lord that we chose to skip the OT, especially Leviticus.”

Father Calhoun promised that the inaugural cohort will receive the best possible education achievable under the constraints of the Notional Curriculum and scripture. “God knows we’ve put in the planning and the prayers and we’re confident of being able to deliver a crackling syllabus. We’ve dialing back the shame and the catechism and focusing on STEM and abstinence. It’ll be a helio-centric, spherical but 10,000 years-old type deal. Let’s pray that those blessed trades-persons don’t let us down. Lazy fuckers.”

Newman College is a co-educational Catholic College and is open for enrollments for years 7 to 12. Proof of eligibility on the grounds of the school’s ethos is not required but will be looked upon favorably.

No employee of the Plain Dealer nor any of their children currently are enrolled at Newman College, but this may be subject to change based on possible requital.

Delta to sue WHO

By Shirley Higgins-Croft

Delta Goodrem, iconoclastic songstress and displaced team-leader on ‘The Voice’, has filed suit in the International Criminal Court (ICCt) over trademark violations.

Ms Goodrem was putting the finishing touches on her latest album ‘Variant’, when she heard the announcement from WHO’s Covid-19 technical lead, Maria Van Kerkhove, that the B.1.617.2 strain would be renamed ‘Delta’.

“I was laying down some wistful harmonies when I heard the news,” Ms Goodrem explained via Zoom from her studio in Cloncurry. “It’s as clear a violation of international copyright as could be imagined. And I’m so disappointed in Maria. She was such a dear friend in my Cornell days.”

Goodrem, who has acquired copyright on the terms ‘Delta’, ‘Innocent Eyes’, “Delta Airlines’, ‘Nile Delta’ and ‘Delta Downstairs’, will be represented by Waleed Aly and is suing for damages, anguish, heartbreak and reprinting costs totaling $US 57 million. The case is expected to be heard in September before the full bench of the ICCt.

Professor Van Kerkhove was contacted but was unavailable for comment.

Announcement: Yeung placed on leave

By Editor in Chief Murray Murchison

Plain Dealer IT guru and occasional contributor, Edson Yeung, has been placed on stress-leave and will spend the rest of the month in his safe place in Kewarra.

Staff had noticed some strange behavior from Mr Yeung following the recent COVID lockdowns, including some aggressiveness when asked to mask-up during editorial meetings.

Mr Yeung’s medical advice has been to undertake a course of Ivermectin and to implement electromagnetic filtering. He is expected to return to duty in the New World Order.

Diogo mystery solved

A special report by cub reporter Mitchell Murchison.

We’ve finally solved the big question at home! Whose turn to do the wiping up? Answer: Always Melissa. Ha Ha just joking! Not joking.

No, really, we finally solved the mystery of where Diogo was doing his poo-poos. We looked everywhere. It’s been such a mystery and I thought Melissa was eating them (joke) but I was wrong.

So I did a stakeout! After soccer on Saturday (beat Edge Hill United 11-9) I lay under a beanbag near where Diogo likes to sleep. Anyway, I looked up from my Switch (Breath of the Wild – tops!!), and – hey presto – Diogo had pushed out some little grogans. Big moment. Then, before you could say “ploppy plop plop” Dustin showed up (see above pic) and scooped up up the poops with his little broom like a super-pooper-scooper. Dustin is the best!

PS. Melissa thinks Diogo is really a girl llama because he has a tiny dingdong and that we might be getting some baby llamas. She is so lame. I hope we get some baby llamas!

Yours fruitfully, Mitchell Murchison, 11 Harris Street, Parramatta Park, 4870, Queensland, Australia, Southern Hemisphere, Earth, Solar System, Milky Way, Universe.

Iconic graffiti accompanies our FREEDOM towards oblivion

By Edson Yeung.

Trinity Beach’s famous COVID=HOAX graffiti sign (above) has slowly been obliterated by a year of tropical heat and rain. Once resplendently carrying a snowy white message of defiance to those stupid doctors and scientists who can’t seem to apply a little common sense, it is now a shadow of its former self.

It is surely no coincidence that there is a 5G tower across the road atop the Red Cross building in Coastwatchers Park.

For a time, there was some speculation that the sign was another work by activist sprayer Banksy, but this was vehemently denied by Pest Control. Verily, those who are watching knew it to be a beacon of truth in a world controlled by faithless elites. Now, having barely survived the wet season, and as the so-called “vaccine” rollout commences, this perfect resistance to so-called “expertise” is the sole coherent voice shouting against the machinery of evil. What a despicable demise to a Trinity Beach ICON!! Who allowed this to happen? Have these shadowy figures deigned to infiltrate the Cairns Regional Council and the quality control operatives of Dulux? Their reach is limitless. Their dishonor is depthless.

People, do not accept the “vaccine”. Do not put your liberty in the hands of the pedophile cartels of mayhem and subjugation. Take a stand! Take a stand against the reach of the Chinese Communist Party! Gamble irresponsibly and remember who you are. A sovereign human with INALIENABLE rights to your humanity.

Vale COVID=HOAX! Vale Freedom!