Diogo mystery solved

A special report by cub reporter Mitchell Murchison.

We’ve finally solved the big question at home! Whose turn to do the wiping up? Answer: Always Melissa. Ha Ha just joking! Not joking.

No, really, we finally solved the mystery of where Diogo was doing his poo-poos. We looked everywhere. It’s been such a mystery and I thought Melissa was eating them (joke) but I was wrong.

So I did a stakeout! After soccer on Saturday (beat Edge Hill United 11-9) I lay under a beanbag near where Diogo likes to sleep. Anyway, I looked up from my Switch (Breath of the Wild – tops!!), and – hey presto – Diogo had pushed out some little grogans. Big moment. Then, before you could say “ploppy plop plop” Dustin showed up (see above pic) and scooped up up the poops with his little broom like a super-pooper-scooper. Dustin is the best!

PS. Melissa thinks Diogo is really a girl llama because he has a tiny dingdong and that we might be getting some baby llamas. She is so lame. I hope we get some baby llamas!

Yours fruitfully, Mitchell Murchison, 11 Harris Street, Parramatta Park, 4870, Queensland, Australia, Southern Hemisphere, Earth, Solar System, Milky Way, Universe.

Iconic graffiti accompanies our FREEDOM towards oblivion

By Edson Yeung.

Trinity Beach’s famous COVID=HOAX graffiti sign (above) has slowly been obliterated by a year of tropical heat and rain. Once resplendently carrying a snowy white message of defiance to those stupid doctors and scientists who can’t seem to apply a little common sense, it is now a shadow of its former self.

It is surely no coincidence that there is a 5G tower across the road atop the Red Cross building in Coastwatchers Park.

For a time, there was some speculation that the sign was another work by activist sprayer Banksy, but this was vehemently denied by Pest Control. Verily, those who are watching knew it to be a beacon of truth in a world controlled by faithless elites. Now, having barely survived the wet season, and as the so-called “vaccine” rollout commences, this perfect resistance to so-called “expertise” is the sole coherent voice shouting against the machinery of evil. What a despicable demise to a Trinity Beach ICON!! Who allowed this to happen? Have these shadowy figures deigned to infiltrate the Cairns Regional Council and the quality control operatives of Dulux? Their reach is limitless. Their dishonor is depthless.

People, do not accept the “vaccine”. Do not put your liberty in the hands of the pedophile cartels of mayhem and subjugation. Take a stand! Take a stand against the reach of the Chinese Communist Party! Gamble irresponsibly and remember who you are. A sovereign human with INALIENABLE rights to your humanity.

Vale COVID=HOAX! Vale Freedom!

Payten cleans house

By Kimberley Schloss.

In an feature article in this week’s edition of Paris Match, Cowboys head coach Todd Payten described his initial days in residence at Cowboys House. During this time he offloaded Josh McGuire and Esan Marsters and let loose his high-performance team, who “ripped through the premises with a pallet of Easy-Off BAM and extreme predudice”.

The clean-out of the CowHouse, is in response to a set of metrics (below), made public by the Cowboys’ Board of Management, by which Payten’s performance is to be evaluated.

Must AchieveNice to Achieve
1. Finish in front of Broncos5. Remain Undefeated
2. Update Nickname List6. Re-acquire Kalyn Ponga
3. Implement Mould exclusion policy7. Work out how to do a scissors move
4. — (Details not released)8. Move the goalposts
Cowboys KPIs 2021 Season

On the basis of the KPIs, Payten looks tom be in good shape. After two wins from the first six outings, the Cowboys sit at 15th on the ladder but remain ahead of the deplorable Broncos. Payten has assured fans that a new nickname list is imminent and that the retirement of Michael Morgan has left room in the salary-cap for a fishing trip to the Hunter Valley.

The specifics of KPI 4 have not been released publicly, but after a clarification this week that there had been a misprint in KPI 3, made the exciting news that Gus has now been denied entry to North Queensland all the more significant.

The Cowboys take on the hopelessly steroid-enhanced Raiders tonight at Queensland C*ntry Bank Stadium it what is almost certain to be a heavy loss.

Mourners flock to farewell Cutie

By Shirley Higgins-Croft.

From Botswana, from Birdsville and from Brinsmead they came. From the families of Pelecanidae, Phoenicopteridae and Thurston they came. Over the canefields, from the swamps and through the McGregor Road construction-site they came. They drove, they crawled, they flew, they walked. And yesterday, they cried and squawked. On an unseasonably wet day at the Yaps Gardens in Smithfield (above) they paid their respects and bid their farewells to Cutie the Curlew.

Cutie was killed in a fracas in late February that caused a worldwide social media sensation. In the short time since, she has become a local icon. More than one thousand mourners attended the burial ceremony to bear witness to a life led to the full in the paradise that is Trinity Beach. A life of strutting and screeching and shitting. A life of so many chicks and so much love. It was a moving ceremony, in which mourners were able to view the bird in calm repose, de-loused and tastefully arranged in its tiny coffin, mounted upon a intricately carved funeral plinth of pure ivory.

Within this atmosphere of deep sorrow and chirping, there was one jarring moment. A pet cat, brought along by its owners to provide comfort during this profoundly emotional time, escaped their grasp, jumped into the open coffin and started toying with the deceased. Fortunately, Reverend Magritte Bayliss of White Ladies quickly intervened, apprehended the intruder and seamlessly reattached the starboard wing. The ceremony then continued without further interruption.

In his eulogy, Mayor Bob Manning provided a ray of hope glinting over the rocky horizon of the McAllister Range. “Cutie’s life, taken far too soon by Destiny’s spatula, will not be forgotten”, he declared. “We will make sure of that. The council have approved plans for a giant statue to be constructed on Trinity Beach in Cutie’s honor.”

Manning’s final words, reproduced below, formed a perfect tribute to our Cutie. Long will she be remembered.

“Vale Cutie. Screech well in the afterlife, old friend. There, your plumage is forever sleek and downy. Your beak is unrelenting. The lice are plentiful and nourishing. Inside the hearts of those left behind, your memory is secure. Screech well.”

Gus Gould to be denied entry to North Queensland

By Kimberley Schloss.

Cowboys fans have railed against the commentary of Phil ‘Gus’ Gould during the 34-30 win over the grieving Tigers yesterday. As a result of Gould’s bizarre performance it is expected that Prime Minister Val Shier will consider denying a visa for Gould should he wish to take up commentary duties in North Queensland.

This is likely to be a symbolic act, as the portly ex-supercoach never travels north of the Tropic of Capricorn, allegedly due to ‘sweating issues.’

The Cowboys dominated the first half yesterday, leading by 22 points at the break. At the start of the second half, Gus formulated a plan for the Tigers’ comeback. It was simple. “Score the next try, then the next try, then the next try, then the next try. And convert them all. And don’t allow the Cowboys to score,” he schemed.

His cunning plan began to unfold nicely as the Tiger scored three quick-fire touchdowns. Then, when a fourth was seemingly scored in the north-eastern corner of Leichhardt Oval, the scheme began to come apart. The try was disallowed by The Bunker due to a clear obstruction from Jimmy ‘The Jet’ Roberts.

At this point, Gus fulminated against the officials for applying the rules. His narrative (of a come-from-behind fibro-silvertail bring-back-the-biff man’s-game triumph blessed by Tommy Raudonikis RIP) was smashed to little pieces by those attention-seeking pedants.

As the WIN Television drone lifted about the green oval on a beautiful 11 degree autumn day showing picturesque views of Australia’s biggest city, Gus signed off by saying “if you don’t live in Sydney, you’re camping out.”

Meanwhile, in Townsville it was 28 degrees. And this Trinity Beach reporter, lounging beside a resort pool, looking fabulous and drinking Pimms reached the same conclusion that is apparent to every Cowboys fan, every week.

“You’re a fuckin’ idiot Gus.’

March 2021 Classifieds

Looking For Love

A spry 83 year old gentleman and (recent) widower is looking for 20-something blonde cultured lady for youth rediscovery. No widgies. RSVP @harold_kuiper_38

Looking for experienced lover to induct a perky 24 year-old geriatric nurse into the ways of love. No one under 75 need apply. I can get a pump from work if that helps. @quiet_alice

Wanted

Wanted: Yabbie-pump for repurposing as Richard. Must be hermetic. Will swap for anusol. @harold_kuiper_38

For Sale

For sale: Multipurpose barbecue spatula. Used once. Disinfected. $10. @destiny.lives.free.

Announcements

Looking for an authentic outback tropical holiday on a working farm? Visit G G Rockley Pig Farms at Atherton and stay in a rustic pen with full amenities. Bottle of sparkly on arrival. Some duties required. Would suit Anosmiacs and Phantosmiacs. @gg_rocks_piggy

From Me to You

To the gang-shit graffiti guy, we’re looking for a blackboard artist and we like what you have to say. Come talk @lunicos

To the toy that couldn’t use a cannon in a gunfight. Fuck thy tags dickweed. Buff thyself. @king.gunshot

To the graffiti artist 4780 Fuck Thy Dogs. We love your work. You have won an all-expenses paid holiday for three to six months. Do not pass Go. Come to 1117 Captain Cook Highway, Smithfield ASAP. @winners

Announcement:

To all readers, I’d like to apologize for elements of the story about the closure of the Blue Moon Bar and Grill, for which I was the primary contributor. I deeply regret using the phrase ‘Namaste fuckers’ and will endeavor never to use this terminology again. In my defense, I had just downed a bottle of Lindy Fraise and was feeling deeply guilty over my un-provable role in the financial problems suffered by the BMB&G. Sincerely, MM.

Classifieds are published monthly. Maximum 90 words. Email to tbpd@iinetnet.au

Big Curlew gains traction

Artist’s impression of The Big Curlew

By Paolo Zupp.

The Trinity Beach community is supporting the construction of a large statue of a bush stone curlew proposed for the northern end of the esplanade. A Go-Fund-Me campaign has raised in excess of $300,000 in eight days, and the project was allegedly discussed at a Cairns Regional Council cocktail party at the Lilo Wet Bar on Friday afternoon. If construction goes ahead, the 19-metre high effigy will be the largest curlew statue in the Southern Hemisphere.

The idea originally came from Mr Trey Frumm, 26, a builder from Smithfield. Frumm was enjoying a barbecue with several friends at Trinity Beach last month, when a curlew approached their table. The ensuing encounter between bird and builder led to surprising violence, heartbreak and an abiding vision that may change Trinity Beach forever.

“It was a special moment. We were having top fun imitating the little fucker and generally taking the piss,” explained Frumm. “And taking potshots at him with slices of beetroot. Of course we didn’t mean to actually hit him, but Tyrah is a shit shot and landed a big one right on his beak. The little fucker was not happy.”

According to eyewitnesses the curlew became “shrieky and aggressive”. Mr Frumm then attempted to negotiate with the curlew, but as he approached the bird, he slipped on some caramelised onion and fell heavily to the ground. The curlew then allegedly moved in to attack him.

“After I headbutted Trinity Beach I was a bit dizzy to be honest,” said Frumm. “I raised my head from the concrete and I couldn’t believe my eyes. Wow – what a moment. Epiphany! The bird was charging right at her. Fortunately Eppy saw him and shuffled her cute arse out of the way lickety-split. Then, the little fucker changed direction and came right at me, wings raised and squealing like a banshee. As I looked up at him, I got this amazing perspective of a giant maniacal curlew set against the backdrop of the TB cliffs, reptilian eyes and beak reddened by beetroot. It was so wondrous. That was before he pecked the fuck out of my face. Fair cop. Got me red-handed. The strange thing is that before I blacked out I felt calm. I wasn’t scared at all. It seemed like Destiny really. Except she is more of a scratcher than a biter.”

After the incident, Frumm was treated for puncture wounds, beetroot infection and herpes at Cairns Base Hospital. During his ensuing three weeks in intensive care, a giant curlew persistently inhabited his hallucinations.

“I couldn’t stop thinking about my vision of that curlew,” said Frumm. “So magnificent. And taken too soon. He didn’t deserve a spatula from Destiny. So I talked to her and my other mates about honoring the brave fucker with a massive statue, and all they loved the idea. We tweeted it out to some influencers, and it blew up. It totally blew up. We formed an LLC.”

Former Councillor John “Two-Bob’ Schilling is all in favour of the development. “Build it and they will come,” he pronounced from his home in Manoora. “I foresee TB becoming an essential spot for any visit to Cairns. Imagine it. The Reef, the Tablelands, the Daintree, Covergirls, the Red Beret and the Big Curlew. Sweet deals.”

In latest news, the Buchan Group of Architects have been commissioned by the Big Curlew Consortium LLC to provide preliminary designs for the project. In addition, Seagull Electrical have been brought in to ensure avian integrity and to provide input on proposed animatronic and screeching features.

Big Curlew are expected to make a presentation to the mayor, Bob Manning, at the next Council meeting to be held at Blue Mango Cafe Wine Bar on Friday next week. Observers are welcome, but are advised that there is a two-drink minimum.

Blue Moon gone forever

By Murray Murchison.

Restaurants open and close in Trinity Beach. The swings and roundabouts of cyclones, climate change and pandemics combined with the see-sawing of capricious dining preferences, the laughing-clown social-media influencers and the house of mirrors of digital life add up to a fairground of despair.

We have seen them come and go. Atlantis, Maharajahs, TB Bar and Grill I, TB Bar and Grill II, Lemon Tree, Laze, Fratellis, and so many more. But this one hurts. The Blue Moon Bar and Grill was a go-to for the Plain Dealer editorial team. Whenever one of us beat the Cairns Post to a scoop. At Christmas. On birthdays. Whenever we felt like some modern Australian cuisine illuminated by golden tropical sunlight refracted by the McAllister range we would go there. So many times we skipped out on the bill, chortling with laughter, not looking at the wider picture. So much Rawson’s Retreat. So much Lindy Fraise. So many regrets. So many memories.

We wish the owners and the staff the very best as they look for new opportunities. We hope that the vicissitudes of life and of debtors do not lead them down a dark path towards franchisery. Dream your dream and start again. Do not compromise.

To other restaurateurs in FNQ: For the love of Vishnu, could someone please, please consider putting an Indian restaurant on the Blue Moon corner. We can guarantee a staff meeting on-site with corkage at least once a week and regular takeaways. Spicy Bite – we’re looking at you! Namaste, fuckers.

New graffiti talent emerges

By Paolo Zupp.

Following the discovery of a suspected Banksy artwork in Trinity Beach over two years ago, there was some expectation that this would inspire local artists and lead to a revival of a time-honoured art-form.

Until now this has not eventuated. But, this morning Trinity Beach residents were delighted to find a selection of about a dozen new graffiti art pieces placed along a 100 meter stretch on the southern pavements of Trinity Beach Road.

Mr Jiggy Silver Riddick R Gunshot, President of the Cairns All-City King Krew (CaCKK) – the peak-body for graffiti practitioners in North Queensland – was contacted about the work, and was effusive in his praise.

“Man, that some throw-up toy,” said Mr Gunshot from the CaCKK head-office in Manunda. “That boy no rock and no way he get the dope hat. “He done us three cannon for a bomb on the paint-eater. Buff that shit.”

Head of Linguistics at William Bligh University, Professor Roland Sussex, was impressed with some of the nuance in the artwork (below) that was not immediately visible to the untrained eye. “Fuck thy dogs is an elegant variation on the rather more orthodox Fuck da police,” explained Professor Sussex. “It’s a lovely callback to old English and has a clear allusion to Hamlet and perrito sexo. The bi-colour embossing style is redolent of the original lithographists in Roman times. This is an artist to keep an eye on.”

In anticipation of a graffiti renaissance, Bunnings* Smithfield have announced 50% off all enamel based and Duramax spray paint. But lowest prices are just the beginning… they have also applied a 25% hike on paint remover.

*Bunnings Smithfield is a sponsor of the Trinity Beach Plain Dealer.

Digger to visit the White House

By Allan Povah.

North Queensland First Dog, Digger, has been invited to the White House for a bilateral play-date with Major Biden. It is expected that issues such as the vaccine rollout, the rise of China and schmackos will be high on the agenda. Following a month of preparation with the advance team, Digger is currently tapering with a program of more relaxed walkies and fetchies along the Strand with handler Liu Chen.

First Jaguar, Jorge, was initially slated to accompany Digger, but he has reacted poorly to his annual checkup. BrickHouse Chief Veterinarian Dr Chris Brown sustained minor mauling injuries arising from the internal examination. The doctor is planning another examination of Jorge in the coming days once his ring finger has healed.

In any case, It was thought by the North Queensland delegation that there was some risk involved in bringing Jorge along, given rising tensions in the US-Mexico relationship. It was also considered that Jorge would have been very unlikely to receive clearance from US Homeland Security (above) due to their strict flea policy.

It is expected that Digger will be wheels-up in his specially outfitted de Havilland DHC-6 in the first week of April, with talks to begin on the 20th.