Vice chancellor calls for charges to be laid for croc attack

By Allan Povah. The Vice-Chancellor of William Bligh University has called for charges to be laid against a man who allegedly attacked a crocodile in Lake Placid yesterday. Adjunct Emeritus Professor Christopher has described the attack as “unprovoked and deeply crockist.” “Zachary was simply enjoying a pleasant wallow in the lake,” claimed Christopher from theContinue reading “Vice chancellor calls for charges to be laid for croc attack”

Mexican car wrangling technology approved

By Paolo Zupp Cairns Regional Council have put the green light on a trial of Mexican-built retractable speedbumps in the CBD. Implementation of the Colina Furtiva (CF) units make use of number-plate and facial recognition to provide selective deployment. The initiative is partly funded by the Japanese government in an attempt to reduce the numberContinue reading “Mexican car wrangling technology approved”

Intelligent speed bumps to be trialled

By Paolo Zupp Cairns Regional Council have announced a trial of intelligent retractable speed-bumps in the CBD as a means of slowing down traffic and reducing the horrendous accident rate. The Mexican Colina Furtiva (CF) technology (above) allows the speed-bump to lie flat or be raised in up to three configurations, mullida, irritante and presidencial.Continue reading “Intelligent speed bumps to be trialled”

The iCroc on an iSpree, Amarok to be relocated

A special investigation by the Plain Dealer has revealed disturbing details about the activities of the controversial artificial crocodile which is under development at William Bligh University. Reporter Paulo Zupp went undercover at the university, posing as a listless, drug-addled journalism student and discovered that the croco-bot has systematically acquired interests in various far northContinue reading “The iCroc on an iSpree, Amarok to be relocated”

September 2017 Classifieds

Looking For Love C++ specialist looking for nested sexual iterated routines. Intimate polymorphism and inheritibility would be an advantage. No Python or Java nuts. @jeremy_writes_code Wanted Kim Jon Un lookalike/impersonators wanted for fake-porno poltical-zoo themed shoot. Must be comfortable with orange baboons, brown bears and pandas rockets. @pisstaker Normalish looking LBTQI people wanted for positiveContinue reading “September 2017 Classifieds”

Manning to tackle Asian girls on bikes

Cairns mayor, Bob Manning, returned today from a month long information-gathering visit to Tokyo and Hokkaido. Whilst there, he entered into bilateral talks with local dignitaries and triads in an effort to explore trade and tourism opportunities between Far North Queensland and Japan. He also served as official taster at the Belgian Beer Festival inContinue reading “Manning to tackle Asian girls on bikes”

Trinity Beach closed: Red smells a ‘croco-droid’

By Allan Povah Trinity Beach identity and self-described croc-wrangler Red Robbins (below) has made some explosive allegations about the sighting of a two-metre crocodile today at Trinity Beach. The animal was seen swimming between the stinger nets and the southern end of the beach, a spot popular for paddling and rock-skimming. As Chief Crocodile ConsultantContinue reading “Trinity Beach closed: Red smells a ‘croco-droid’”

‘Croco-droid’ attacks student

By Allan Povah A student at James Cook University was today attacked by a robot crocodile named Christopher while he was installing a software update into the animal’s artificial brain. The unnamed student was air-lifted to Cairns Base Hospital where he is in a serious but stable condition. The ‘croco-droid’ project has been criticised byContinue reading “‘Croco-droid’ attacks student”