Payten rescues missing boys

By Kimberley Schloss It is the end of another shithouse season at the Cowboys, with the team falling to 15th position after a series of defeats that piled embarrassment on top of incompetence. And with the team falling short of most of the targeted KPIs, it is likely that an executive suite at the CowHouseContinue reading “Payten rescues missing boys”

Payten cleans house

By Kimberley Schloss. In a feature article in this week’s edition of Paris Match, Cowboys head coach Todd Payten described his initial days in residence at Cowboys House. During this time he offloaded Josh McGuire and Esan Marsters and let loose his high-performance team, who “ripped through the premises with a pallet of Easy-Off BAMContinue reading “Payten cleans house”

Gus Gould to be denied entry to North Queensland

By Kimberley Schloss. Cowboys fans have railed against the commentary of Phil ‘Gus’ Gould during the 34-30 win over the grieving Tigers yesterday. As a result of Gould’s bizarre performance it is expected that Prime Minister Val Shier will consider denying a visa for Gould should he wish to take up commentary duties in NorthContinue reading “Gus Gould to be denied entry to North Queensland”

A conversation with Bluey PupPup

Part of the Conversations Series, with Shirley Higgins-Croft Sir Bluey PupPup (above left) is a dog that wears many collars. He is best known as the North Queensland Cowboys mascot, but his responsibilities extend far beyond faffing around the sideline. He is a critical part of the finely-tuned machine that has dominated the Queensland RugbyContinue reading “A conversation with Bluey PupPup”

Gilmore plan: Jihadists to camp at Tinaroo

By Murray Murchison Following crushing defeats in Iraq and Syria, global jihadists are casting their eyes south in search of a new base. ‘Big’ Tom Gilmore, mayor of Mareeba, has announced an ambitious plan to bring the group to the Tablelands which, he says, will occasion an economic boom for the region. “It would beContinue reading “Gilmore plan: Jihadists to camp at Tinaroo”

January 2018 Classifieds

Looking For Love Diminutive Cowboys tragic looking for cutish Broncos babe for walks in the moonlight, angry sex and Hunt knock-on recreations. @cowrider Wanted Wanted: Superstar Cafe branded milkshake tin. Must not have been used for potplants or cricket box. Name your price. @anwarsmith For Sale For sale: wooden easel. Nearly new, but slightly paintContinue reading “January 2018 Classifieds”

Jensen honoured on Hero’s Walk

By Destiny Givens Diminutive Cowboys utility, Corey Jensen has been honoured with a station on the Strand Active Heroes Walk. Jensen has previously struggled to separate himself from other low-profile players with similar names, such as Shaun Fensom, Marcus Jenson, and Shaun Hudson. Many literacy-challenged Cowboys fans, unable to distinguish between these players, have takenContinue reading “Jensen honoured on Hero’s Walk”

Cowboys revise official nickname list

By Destiny Givens In response to the Cowboy’s unexpected and spectacular progress to this years NRL Grand Final, the Cowboys organisation have released a revised official nicknames list. Fans are encouraged to make use of officially sanctioned nicknames in their social media posts. Chef de Mission at 1300 Smiles Stadium, Bob Bliss, explained to theContinue reading “Cowboys revise official nickname list”

Trinity Beach is brown

By Murray Murchison From the top of Earl Hill to the tip of Taylor’s point, the trees, leaves and nature-strips of normally verdant Trinity Beach are looking brown indeed. “Yep, she’s pretty fuckin’ brown,” opined local resident, Neville Fitzhardinge of Cayley Court. “Hasn’t been this brown since this time last year. But the wet isContinue reading “Trinity Beach is brown”

An afternoon with Ethan Lowe

Part of the Conversations Series, with Shirley Higgins-Croft Ethan Lowe is the much-loved and often under-rated Cowboys back-rower with a heart of gold and a skin full of tatts. He kindly allowed me to spend a couple of hours with him at Cowboys House and the results were surprising, and quite revealing. SHC: Ethan, thanksContinue reading “An afternoon with Ethan Lowe”