Vice chancellor calls for charges to be laid for croc attack

By Allan Povah. The Vice-Chancellor of William Bligh University has called for charges to be laid against a man who allegedly attacked a crocodile in Lake Placid yesterday. Adjunct Emeritus Professor Christopher has described the attack as “unprovoked and deeply crockist.” “Zachary was simply enjoying a pleasant wallow in the lake,” claimed Christopher from theContinue reading “Vice chancellor calls for charges to be laid for croc attack”

February 2018 Classifieds

Looking For Love Rachel Riley lookalike wanted for outings, and sexual intercourse, maybe more. Must be good at mental arithmetic and innuendo. No Lilys. @RR_coundown_Fan Wanted Patsies for Yellow Bamboo scam. Must be athletic and good screamers. Compensation is negotiable depending on ability. @yellowbamboo Miyagi look-alike for YouTube parody. No porn, promise. No yellow bambooContinue reading “February 2018 Classifieds”

The iCroc on an iSpree, Amarok to be relocated

A special investigation by the Plain Dealer has revealed disturbing details about the activities of the controversial artificial crocodile which is under development at William Bligh University. Reporter Paulo Zupp went undercover at the university, posing as a listless, drug-addled journalism student and discovered that the croco-bot has systematically acquired interests in various far northContinue reading “The iCroc on an iSpree, Amarok to be relocated”

September 2017 Classifieds

Looking For Love C++ specialist looking for nested sexual iterated routines. Intimate polymorphism and inheritibility would be an advantage. No Python or Java nuts. @jeremy_writes_code Wanted Kim Jon Un lookalike/impersonators wanted for fake-porno poltical-zoo themed shoot. Must be comfortable with orange baboons, brown bears and pandas rockets. @pisstaker Normalish looking LBTQI people wanted for positiveContinue reading “September 2017 Classifieds”

Crocodile art to sell at auction

By Allan Povah William Bligh University academics have denied that there is any issue with their security measures after it was revealed that their artificial crocogynous automaton, Christopher, had been selling artwork and purchasing adult services on the internet. The breach was only discovered when an unmarried Filipino lady was caught trying to enter theContinue reading “Crocodile art to sell at auction”

August 2017 Classifieds

Looking For Love Passionate gay lefty woman looking for huffy, easily-offended like-minded woman for cause identification, handle-flying, do-gooding, placard painting and rally attending. No DiFranco fans. @shayblue. Wanted Wanted: Blackboard Artist for northern beaches eatery. No innuendo. $30 a pop and a slice of Portofino. @lunicos Published Yungaburra impersonator/writer/proctologist looking for middle-aged men to talkContinue reading “August 2017 Classifieds”

Ransomware attack to affect rambutan availability

By Paolo Zupp It has emerged that last week’s global ransomware attack has affected vital North Queensland infrastructure and institutions, including the Cairns Christian Coalition and Rusty’s Market. In addition, it is believed that the payroll database at Cairns Base Hospital may have been compromised, with medical services likely to improve. There are further unconfirmed reportsContinue reading “Ransomware attack to affect rambutan availability”

WBU to connect crocodiles to the internet

By Paolo Zupp Academics at the William Bligh University Cow Bay campus have announced the first Internet of Things (IoT) degree course which will be offered from July this year. The IoT technology is a burgeoning area of Computer Science and IT and promises to connect everyday objects, such as cars and coffee mugs, toContinue reading “WBU to connect crocodiles to the internet”

Trinity Beach closed: Red smells a ‘croco-droid’

By Allan Povah Trinity Beach identity and self-described croc-wrangler Red Robbins (below) has made some explosive allegations about the sighting of a two-metre crocodile today at Trinity Beach. The animal was seen swimming between the stinger nets and the southern end of the beach, a spot popular for paddling and rock-skimming. As Chief Crocodile ConsultantContinue reading “Trinity Beach closed: Red smells a ‘croco-droid’”

‘Croco-droid’ attacks student

By Allan Povah A student at James Cook University was today attacked by a robot crocodile named Christopher while he was installing a software update into the animal’s artificial brain. The unnamed student was air-lifted to Cairns Base Hospital where he is in a serious but stable condition. The ‘croco-droid’ project has been criticised byContinue reading “‘Croco-droid’ attacks student”