Machans animal celebrant releases ‘Licky’

By Heather Luck. Popular Machans Beach animal celebrant, Rose Limbaugh (above), has announced that she will be launching a new app, Licky, aimed at helping pets in the far north find true love. Limbaugh, who famously officiated at the nuptials of former First Dog Ringo (RIP) and his longtime partner Dixie Marshmallow, has identified someContinue reading “Machans animal celebrant releases ‘Licky’”

Police in hot pursuit of Almond Tree murderer

By Allan Povah. Three beach almond trees have been poisoned at the southern end of Trinity Beach. Locals are furious that the 75 year old trees will be lost forever, survived only by memories and wood-chips. Fourteen members of Far North Queensland Police CID were investigating at the scene again today, taking soil samples andContinue reading “Police in hot pursuit of Almond Tree murderer”

Authorities seek ‘inveterate shitter’

By Heather Luck. The Department of Dog Catching and Cat Herding (DDCCH) has appealed to the public to help them find and arrest a criminal canine who is the main suspect in a slew of shitting offences. Commissioner of the DDCCH, Desmond Bowe, has said that the department is pursuing the animal with “overwhelming prejudice”Continue reading “Authorities seek ‘inveterate shitter’”

Reward offered for excrement offender

By Allan Povah The DDCCH are offering a reward of 500,000 pesos for information that leads to the arrest of a canine wanted for several shitting offences across Cairns and the northern beaches over the last few weeks. The animal, pictured above, answers to the name “Monty” and was last seen on 2 November defecatingContinue reading “Reward offered for excrement offender”

New measures for dogshit control

By Allan Povah Chief of the Department of Dog Catchers and Cat Herders, Desmond Bowe, has announced sweeping changes to dog licencing regulations in the far north. In the future, all dogs in the region shall be required to be implanted with GPS tracking technology and to submit a stool sample so that a DNAContinue reading “New measures for dogshit control”

One million dollar reward posted for kidnapped dog

By Allan Povah. The Departmental Commissioner for Dog Catching and Cat Herding, Desmond Bowe, announced at a press conference today that the commission is seeking the public’s help with locating a Labrador-cross that has been the victim of a suspected dognap. The dog’s owner, who wishes to remain anonymous, has offered a one million dollar reward forContinue reading “One million dollar reward posted for kidnapped dog”

May 2017 Classifieds

Looking For Love To the petite blonde cutie at the Kurban concert. You look like Luna Lovegood and you are casting spells on my heart. Want to listen to Charlie Rich under a harvest moon sipping Jack? @kiwiShyBoyRubin To the Blue-Haired One-Eyed Girl on the Alliance de Francais poster. I love you. You are perfect.Continue reading “May 2017 Classifieds”

Dog chaos at Kewarra

By Allan Povah. Information is starting to emerge about the chaotic scenes that occurred during last Sunday’s community dog-walk at Kewarra beach. It has been reported that dog advocate and CEO of Cairns Pets, Kristen Fitzpatrick, was hospitalised during the event, after she became entangled and ensnared by the leashes of “several” dogs she hadContinue reading “Dog chaos at Kewarra”

Condoms for Canines

By Shirley Higgins-Croft The recent relationship between Mexico and FNQ has been rocky. Police are still investigating who was responsible for placing several FlexMonterrey electronic listening devices which were discovered in council chambers in November 2016. Additionally, Opposition Councillors have alleged that there is at least one Mexican mole embedded at a high level inContinue reading “Condoms for Canines”