Authorities seek ‘inveterate shitter’

By Heather Luck. The Department of Dog Catching and Cat Herding (DDCCH) has appealed to the public to help them find and arrest a criminal canine who is the main suspect in a slew of shitting offences. Commissioner of the DDCCH, Desmond Bowe, has said that the department is pursuing the animal with “overwhelming prejudice”Continue reading “Authorities seek ‘inveterate shitter’”

March 2018 Classifieds

Looking For Love Yellow fever sufferer looking for Filipina nurse type for rickshaw outings and GFE. Would consider matrimony. @gotitbad4yellow Wanted All ugbos, ferals, crusties and weird fuckers in the Kuranda area. Wanna be famous like Susan Boyle or Paul Taylor? Contact @uglykuranda for a obligation free assessment. For Sale For Sale: Epson 2530 MultifunctionContinue reading “March 2018 Classifieds”

Reward offered for excrement offender

By Allan Povah The DDCCH are offering a reward of 500,000 pesos for information that leads to the arrest of a canine wanted for several shitting offences across Cairns and the northern beaches over the last few weeks. The animal, pictured above, answers to the name “Monty” and was last seen on 2 November defecatingContinue reading “Reward offered for excrement offender”

New measures for dogshit control

By Allan Povah Chief of the Department of Dog Catchers and Cat Herders, Desmond Bowe, has announced sweeping changes to dog licencing regulations in the far north. In the future, all dogs in the region shall be required to be implanted with GPS tracking technology and to submit a stool sample so that a DNAContinue reading “New measures for dogshit control”

Farmer wins Ravenshoe Photo Contest

By Paolo Zupp Tablelands farmer and part-time shutterbug, Neville Swain, has won the annual Hungry Jacks’ Ravenshoe Photography Contest for the second time. His entry, entitled “Goldilocks” (above) presented an impressively emotive study of cassowary shit, captured on his property near Speewah. Contest commissar, Colonel Aidan Snowden, was effusive with his praise for the winner’sContinue reading “Farmer wins Ravenshoe Photo Contest”

One million dollar reward posted for kidnapped dog

By Allan Povah. The Departmental Commissioner for Dog Catching and Cat Herding, Desmond Bowe, announced at a press conference today that the commission is seeking the public’s help with locating a Labrador-cross that has been the victim of a suspected dognap. The dog’s owner, who wishes to remain anonymous, has offered a one million dollar reward forContinue reading “One million dollar reward posted for kidnapped dog”

May 2017 Classifieds

Looking For Love To the petite blonde cutie at the Kurban concert. You look like Luna Lovegood and you are casting spells on my heart. Want to listen to Charlie Rich under a harvest moon sipping Jack? @kiwiShyBoyRubin To the Blue-Haired One-Eyed Girl on the Alliance de Francais poster. I love you. You are perfect.Continue reading “May 2017 Classifieds”

Dutton turns to Leviticus for social policy direction

By Murray Murchison Australian Minister for Immigration, Peter Dutton, has announced the appointment of his new staff-member, Leviticus, who will be taking on the challenging role of Dutton’s house-dog and speech-checker. Leviticus, is by Moses and out of Delilah and is the result of a unusual political connection The story goes like this: On an unspecifiedContinue reading “Dutton turns to Leviticus for social policy direction”

Cowboys scratching around for bond money

By Kimberley Schloss A joint press conference was held at 1300SMILES Stadium today to formally open ‘Cowboys House’, a four hundred million dollar residential, gaming and dog-racing development. The Cowboys, NRL, North Queensland Government, and Australian Government have jointly funded the ambitious project. Constructed in the shape of a prostate spheroid, the 122 room complexContinue reading “Cowboys scratching around for bond money”

Pyne denies excrement accusations

By Murray Murchison After more than two weeks of persistent speculation, federal minister Christopher Pyne has finally responded to allegations that he had disposed of excrement from his labrador, Moses, in a yellow recycling bin. Glenelg North resident, Barry Prince (29), had earlier claimed on social media that he had seen Pyne placing a plastic bag insideContinue reading “Pyne denies excrement accusations”