February 2018 Classifieds

Looking For Love Rachel Riley lookalike wanted for outings, and sexual intercourse, maybe more. Must be good at mental arithmetic and innuendo. No Lilys. @RR_coundown_Fan Wanted Patsies for Yellow Bamboo scam. Must be athletic and good screamers. Compensation is negotiable depending on ability. @yellowbamboo Miyagi look-alike for YouTube parody. No porn, promise. No yellow bambooContinue reading “February 2018 Classifieds”

Tablelands organisation announces restructure

By Murray Murchison The Atherton Tablelands Organisation for Meteor Survivors (ATOMS) has announced that it’s annual general meeting will be held in Ravenshoe on April 2nd this year. ATOMS is the peak body for meteor-strike victims in the far north, and boasts a membership of around 15,000. ATOMS President, Anwar Smith (above), has presaged aContinue reading “Tablelands organisation announces restructure”

This Time Next Year… Karl’s my baby daddy!

By Shirley Higgins-Croft Hairdresser, Jessecah Stafford, 29, of Holloways Beach (above) has appeared on the popular Nine network program, This Time Next Year but, due to a mysterious decision by the show’s producers, her segment will perhaps never go to air. Ms Stafford reportedly filmed the ‘before’ component of her story at Nine’s studios inContinue reading “This Time Next Year… Karl’s my baby daddy!”

June 2017 Classifieds

Looking For Love Semi-dedicated jihadist looking for sympathetic but modest woman for pre-virgin practice, short-term opportunity pre-boom. Hijabi preferred or Swedish. @moBoom  To the skate-babe wearing rags who boarded past the Dumpling Studio on Sheridan on Sunday evening. You’re cool and super-hot. Meet me at the TB skate park any arvo. I’ll show you myContinue reading “June 2017 Classifieds”

Fashion Week trends: bespoke, hijabis and cabbies!

By Shirley Higgins-Croft The 2017 North Queensland Fashion Week has launched with a glittering ceremony at Edge Hill Bowls Club, hosted by Karl Stefanovic, and with music by Steven Tin Tin Duffy. The opening night showcase collection, FlamBOIance by Hipster Moi (above) received a warm response from the audience, which contained a who’s-who of North Queensland fashionContinue reading “Fashion Week trends: bespoke, hijabis and cabbies!”

Never smile at a hijabi: Rob the Croc stares down Islamism

By Allan Povah Central Queensland celebrity croc, ‘Rob the Croc’ (pictured above) has taken up a career development opportunity in a water leisure park in Turkey. It is unclear as to what transfer fee was involved in prising the venerable reptile from his tenured position at the Koorana Crocodile Farm in Rockhampton, but it is thoughtContinue reading “Never smile at a hijabi: Rob the Croc stares down Islamism”

Lila Downs plays Kuranda tonite! Hijabis welcome!

By Kimberley Schloss Enigmatic Mexican songstress Lila Downs (pictured above) has been confirmed as a ‘pop-up artist’ to headline the fifth annual Cinco de Mayo concert at the Kuranda Amphitheatre tonight. It is a great coup for the Kuranda Chamber of Commerce and Barter (KCCB) to have lured the world famous performer to the event.Continue reading “Lila Downs plays Kuranda tonite! Hijabis welcome!”

Malanda TAFE hopin’ for business

By Allan Povah The Malanda TAFE has announced that it is reopening next week and a whole new range of certificate and diploma courses are being offered for the second trimester of 2017. The new courses have been generated based on a social media analysis of modern lifestyle and workplace trends. In addition to theContinue reading “Malanda TAFE hopin’ for business”

Hijabi wins chocolate sculpting competition

By Heather Luck The fourth annual Mareeba Chocolate Sculpture competition was staged this weekend, attracting visitors from all over the world to the picturesque tableland township The competition winner, ‘Little Sister and Big Bull’ (pictured above in the Centrelink car-park on Byrnes Street) was praised by the judges for its breathtaking scope and attention toContinue reading “Hijabi wins chocolate sculpting competition”