July 2019 Classifieds

Looking For Love Brinsmead man, 23, with blue penis, willing to sit for hottie portrait artist (18-22). Available this week (and next week too if you’re into BO). If you want him angry, it can be arranged no problem. Open to long-term arrangement. @reecewinters. Wanted Wanted: Sunscreen substitute for conscientious abstainer, Must be SPF 1000Continue reading “July 2019 Classifieds”

June 2019 Classifieds

Looking For Love Kuranda women, 46, disappointed by love but aspirationally intact, seeking earthy, hirsute flower gentleman for love-making under the stars. Must be snipped. No southern-cross tattoos. @janellespiritguide Wanted Wanted: Model of the great pyramid in Giza. If you’ve got a Sphinx as well, we would consider it. Full scale preferred. Must be ableContinue reading “June 2019 Classifieds”

Rap battle erupts on the Tablelands

By Paolo Zupp. DJ Momo of the Walkamin Cru (above) has laid down a challenge to his arch-rapper, TopiKufi of the Tolga Massif, to position his rhymes where his bottom doesn’t defecate. Many rap aficionados would claim that the golden era of Tablelands hiphop is long gone, having died in 2004 with the murder ofContinue reading “Rap battle erupts on the Tablelands”

A conversation with the Song Doctor

Part of the Conversations Series, with Shirley Higgins-Croft Though he is hardly a household name, Sir Eric Murray, the Song Doctor, (above) is a legend of the music industry. He has contributed as uncredited songwriter on more than fifty number one hits and has saved many well known songs from the discount rack of history.Continue reading “A conversation with the Song Doctor”

January 2018 Classifieds

Looking For Love Diminutive Cowboys tragic looking for cutish Broncos babe for walks in the moonlight, angry sex and Hunt knock-on recreations. @cowrider Wanted Wanted: Superstar Cafe branded milkshake tin. Must not have been used for potplants or cricket box. Name your price. @anwarsmith For Sale For sale: wooden easel. Nearly new, but slightly paintContinue reading “January 2018 Classifieds”

Tablelands organisation announces restructure

By Murray Murchison The Atherton Tablelands Organisation for Meteor Survivors (ATOMS) has announced that it’s annual general meeting will be held in Ravenshoe on April 2nd this year. ATOMS is the peak body for meteor-strike victims in the far north, and boasts a membership of around 15,000. ATOMS President, Anwar Smith (above), has presaged aContinue reading “Tablelands organisation announces restructure”

The iCroc on an iSpree, Amarok to be relocated

A special investigation by the Plain Dealer has revealed disturbing details about the activities of the controversial artificial crocodile which is under development at William Bligh University. Reporter Paulo Zupp went undercover at the university, posing as a listless, drug-addled journalism student and discovered that the croco-bot has systematically acquired interests in various far northContinue reading “The iCroc on an iSpree, Amarok to be relocated”

Elton visits the Big Peanut

By Kimberley Schloss There was great excitement on the Tablelands this week, as Elton John made good on his earlier promise to visit the region’s tourist hotspots. Following the fourth encore at his sellout concert last Saturday night at Cazaly’s Stadium, Elton was taken for a private viewing of the Danbulla Cathedral Fig Tree, andContinue reading “Elton visits the Big Peanut”